A multifaceted response to loss - was what I read when I googled,

‘what is grief?’ 

And it struck me, right in the chest, and left me with the feeling I felt the day my dad died. How perfectly put. There are so many faces to grief. Many that I know more than I’d like and many I’m yet to meet. 

The heavy feeling in my chest weighed on me like an anchor of a ship. Heavier than words could describe, pulling me down further and further. That was in the early days of my grief journey. I genuinely believed it would never lift, the only person who could lift it was my daddy- how ironic. 

5 years on, now 24, I’m much closer to the surface. Most days I feel like I’ve caught my breath, there’s no longer a constant weight on my chest. But it sometimes lingers in other ways. Anxiety, forgetfulness, hyper-independence, a tainted view of the world, to name a few. One thing I really miss is my naivety at 18 - no bad feeling seemed to last too long because I believed nothing was permanent. How wrong was I?! Do I miss the ‘old’ me? Yes. Do I want the old ‘me’ back? No. I don’t want to be the same ‘me’ that I was all those years ago. Why would I? How could I simply be the same after losing the most important person in my life. I breathe a sigh of relief that I’ve grown after all I’ve been through. 

In all honesty,  there are many wholesome things I’ve gained from my grief. I write this now in a good place. I may read this back and feel angry at my words. But hey, that’s grief, it’s ever-changing and I’m ok with that - I’ve come to accept that this really is a journey and not a destination. Grief has made me love much more deeply. I understand the fragility of life and how we must live while we can. I try to be more empathetic, grief has taught me how unique we are and how we all walk different paths in life. Grief has taught me to be more kind to myself. Grief has given me a special connection with other bereaved young people. It’s very strange, we can feel connected without saying a single word. I’m now part of a ‘grief club’ I thought I’d be joining much later in life. I’m thankful for many things grief has taught me. It’s part of me forever and I wouldn’t change that. My grief is my love for my dad and I never want to lose that part of me. 

My grief, in the beginning, felt like I was trying to carry a very large sack of rubble, spilling over, impossible to move. I was stuck right there with my grief whilst it felt like life was passing me by. Now, my grief feels like a small backpack. Some days my bag is so full it won’t close, others, I barely feel it there. My grief is always present but the contents and weight of it changes and I’ve come to learn that it’s ok. 

When you take a moment to reflect, I’m sure you can find things that have been added to or changed about your character because of grief - because grief changed you. But if you look really deep, there are so many mesmerising qualities you have gained from grief. Given, you’d still choose to have your loved one back over and over again. However, here you are, living and trying to make it through. I know it’s cliche and something not well thought of in the grief world - but your loved one is proud of you, of course they are. On a day like today, when you just want to hug them tight, please give all the love you have for them to yourself. You deserve it more than you know. 

This isn’t a heroic message to say all is well after a loved one dies. It’s an honest message to encourage yourself to feel and to prove that you are never alone. It’s to encourage you to grieve for the old you and of course for your loved one. Losing a loved one as a young person is hard, really really hard - take time to acknowledge what you are living through. 

From one grieving young person to another - I hope in some way you feel your loved ones love all around you more than ever today. I hope you find some peace and comfort. If you don’t feel peace and comfort (totally ok), give yourself the space to feel everything or nothing at all. I hope you can do what is right for you today, no shame, no ifs or buts.

If you need support today or if you’d like to share your grief journey with another bereaved young person, send an email to: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk or call the freephone helpline on 0808 808 1677 between 10am-2pm. If you are over 18, you can use the CruseChat feature, Mon-Fri from 9am-9pm here.