How to be a ‘Grief Ally’
You might have found yourself here as someone you love has experienced the death of someone special to them. You may be thinking, ‘what is a grief ally and how can I be one?’. A ‘grief ally’ is simply someone who wants to show up and be present for their person who is grieving, in whatever way is helpful to them. There are many ways in which you can support a bereaved person, check out our tips below:
1. Show up no matter what
Be present with your loved one. Show them that you care about how they are feeling and that you want to support them through their bereavement. Its normal to feel worried or anxious about supporting a bereaved young person. Sometimes, this worry can lead to avoiding the topic of loss or the person altogether through fear of saying the ‘wrong thing’. The wrong thing would be complete avoidance - this can be really upsetting for the bereaved young person as it can leave them feeling isolated in their grief. The most important thing you can do for a bereaved young person is offer your time and presence. If you don’t know what to say, just sit with them and listen - knowing they can rely on you can be the most healing gift you can give to them.
2. Offer to practically support them
Losing a loved one is a world-changing experience. A bereaved young person’s life will now look very different from before. They may not be able to or want to do the things which were part of their usual routine. It can be unhelpful to say to a bereaved young person, ‘let me know if you need anything’ - the likelihood is that they won’t reach out and ask. Instead, offer to practically help with things such as driving them to or going with them to an appointment or organising a specific day/time to go out for lunch or a walk together. You will know the bereaved young person best, it’s important to think what could you practically do to support them best.
3. Understand that grief doesn’t ‘go away’
The truth is that grief is never ending. It is not a task to be completed and there is no time-line for the bereaved young person to follow. Therefore, the bereaved young person will be grieving for the rest of their lives. As a grief ally, it is important to understand this and to be aware that the bereaved young person will continue to share memories or emotions regarding the loss of their loved one as time passes. A misconception of grief is that it is only felt for a short time after someone dies, so don’t be alarmed if the bereaved young person is still grieving weeks, months or years down the line - this is completely normal.
4. Note important dates
Set reminders on your phone or jot them down on a calendar of important dates for the bereaved young person. This could be days such as anniversaries, birthdays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day etc. By remembering these days, it means you can reach out to them to show your solidarity as a grief ally, to show them that you care about them on that difficult day. You could simply send them a text or make plans to spend time with them if that is what they would like. It is important to understand that grief is individual to each person. One bereaved young person may find comfort in being surrounded by people on a difficult day, whilst others might like to spend the day alone. The best way to find out what is most supportive for the bereaved young person is to simply ask them what works for them.
5. Respect their reality
Listen and truly respect the bereaved young person’s reality. When we are outside of a situation, it can be difficult to understand where someone is coming from or how they are actually feeling. Sometimes, we tend to make situations seem less bad than they actually are as a way of providing comfort to the individual. However, as a grief ally, it is important to note that you can never ‘fix’ the bereaved young person’s grief. The best thing you can do is to validate their grief by saying things such as ‘I’m sorry you are going through this right now, I wish I could make it better but know that I am going to be with you every step of your grief journey’.
6. Talk about their loved one
It is common to feel anxious about talking about the bereaved young person’s loved one through fear of upset. However, the reality is that the worst has already happened - there isn’t much you could say to cause more pain or upset. Therefore, choosing to talk about the bereaved young person’s loved one is actually a really empowering and caring thing to do. This shows the bereaved young person that you haven’t forgotten about their loved one and that you will actively help the bereaved young person to carry their loved one’s legacy with them on their grief journey.
7. Be understanding of what grief looks like to them
Respect that grief is individual and that some say it is as unique as a snow-flake. Therefore, try to understand how grief may look and feel for the bereaved young person. This may mean that the ways in which they choose to cope may be different to how you might grieve and that is ok. As long as the bereaved young person is not taking part in any self-destructive or self-harming behaviours, it is important to respect and support them fully in how they choose to grieve. If the bereaved young person is showing self-destructive or self-harming behaviours, it is vital to get them the appropriate help. Childline share information on self-harm, suicidal thoughts and how to help a friend going through these things.
8. Suggest support services
Experiencing grief after the death of a loved one is a normal response. Many bereaved people may only need support from those closest to them. However, some may need or want support outside of their usual support circle and that is ok. If you or the bereaved person feels they may need extra support, you can encourage them to give it a go. Tell the bereaved young person about our Hope Again website and the resources we share to offer support through grief. You can also encourage them to send an email to us anytime at: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. If the bereaved young person would like on-going, practical support - they can receive this through Cruse Bereavement Support. The support can be offered in the form of face-to-face sessions, online or via the helpline. To find out more, call the free helpline on: 0808 808 1677.
9. Look after yourself
