Coping with Grief at Exam Time

Are you taking important exams this year and wondering how you can cope with them and your grief?  Dealing with exam stress whilst experiencing grief can be extremely challenging. We have some tips for you-

 Be present

·      Focus on doing the best you can and don’t think about the end result.   

 Plan ahead

 ·      Make a revision plan, making sure you have plenty of breaks in.  Short chunks of time work best, 20 minutes study then 10 minutes break.  You can use tools like digital apps or planners to help you with revision planning.  This can help reduce your stress and keep you on top of the revision.

Available support

·      If you are struggling to revise, check if you school, college or university has any support services they can offer for guidance and assistance over revision and exam time. 

Reduce stress

·      Look at different techniques to reduce your stress.  These can include mindfulness, listening to music, art or breathing exercises.  Using these can reduce your anxiety, helping you to relax and focus during exam time. 

 Talk to Someone 

·      If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.  This can be a friend, family member or teacher.  Tell them if you need extra support and how they can help you, either practically or emotionally. 

 Self care

·      Think about other ways you can look after yourself – getting enough sleep and eating nutritious meals is important.  What activities do you enjoy doing that you can continue to do during exam time?  This can include exercising, sport or meeting friends. 

Remember

·      It is normal for those feelings of grief to arise and missing your special person more around times of stress and anxiety, like exams.  Take time to remember them as this will provide you with some comfort and a feeling of connection, which will always be there, especially during difficult times.

Exam Day

·      You may feel it is important to feel connected to your special person while sitting your exam. This could include having a photograph of the person with you or wearing a piece of jewellery given to you by them or which belonged to them.  You could also carry something which belonged to them in your pocket or in your bag, keeping them close to you while you sit your exam to give you comfort and reassurance.

·      If you feel your exam hasn’t gone well, speak to someone about this and tell them how you are feeling about it.  This could be a friend, family member or a teacher.  It is important you talk to someone and don’t bottle up what you are feeling.

Results Day

·      Results day can be difficult when you are missing a special person, as you wish they were there with you.  Writing a message to them or lighting a candle on the day can help you feel close to them.  

What I wish I knew about grief at 18...

Grief usually comes along, like a tsunami, crashing to the shore and destroying everything in it’s path. Even if we have been waiting on the waves to arrive, the storm cannot be tamed or braced.. no matter how hard we try. And if we haven’t been waiting on the storm, well how can we even fathom how to survive or what comes next.

I wanted to write a letter of some of the things I wish I knew in the early days of my grief journey:

I wish I knew that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. That there is no time line and that every second minute, hour and day would bring about new thoughts and feelings and that is ok. One minute I could be crying, the next I could be laughing with family sharing memories and straight back to crying again. I wish I knew that this was normal and that I wasn’t going crazy.

I wish I knew that grief would happen, whether I liked it or not. Like a fizzy drink can shaken up over time, the longer I shook my feelings off, the bigger the explosion when I finally opened up. I’ve come to realise in grief that we have to feel it to heal it.

I wish I knew that my grief wouldn’t define me. Yes, life is very different than I ever imagined. But, I am so much more than just my grief. I am my dreams, my memories, my friends, my job, my achievements, my struggles, my loved ones and everything in between. Of course my grief is a massive part of me, as is my loved one, but it no longer rules my whole life.

I wish I knew that I would always feel a connection and continued relationship with my loved one. This is a strange one to explain. I don’t know if it’s easy to find the words. In more ways than one, I still feel a connection to my loved one, like an invisible thread keeping us together. I have this feeling that they know who I am and what is happening in this life, even if they aren’t physically here anymore. Some bereaved young people may disagree with that thought, and that is ok as grief is as unique as a snowflake. But for some, it may bring comfort and peace feeling like that connection continues, even after your loved one has died.

And finally, I wish I knew it would all be ok. The irony in that statement is that if someone told me this in the early days of my grief, I would have exploded. How dare someone tell me the loss of someone so special to me would eventually feel ‘ok’. But I now know that things being ‘ok’ rather than as messy and unpredictable as the early days, doesn’t mean I don’t desperately miss my loved one just because time has passed. It means that I have given myself the permission to live around my loss, to be ‘ok’ and to keep moving forward with their memory.

I wish I knew how proud I’d be for continuing on, in honour of my special person.

Missing you this Father's Day... and everyday to be exact!

And just like that, it’s June again. For some, it may be your very first without your special person. For others, well.. we’ve been here before. In the weeks leading up to this day, the slow reminders start to creep in. The adverts on tv, the card aisle in the super market, even the ‘Eugh, I don’t know what to get my dad this Father’s Day!’, remarks begin. And while you share an understanding of the stress of gift giving… you really really, wish it could be you.

To all those wishing it were you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to miss this person so much that it hurts. I’m sorry you have to scroll on social media trying to dodge all the dedication posts while wiping the tears. I’m sorry you have to think of the ‘should have’s’ and the ‘what if’s’. From one young bereaved person to another, I’m sorry. But, there’s comfort in that fact. You’re not alone in your loss. On the 18th especially and every other day surrounding that, please know that there are others who feel just like you, others who miss their loved one just like you.

So, this Father’s Day - do whatever feels right for you. Have a cry, a scream, a laugh- walk down memory lane. Whatever brings you the most peace and allows you to feel closest to your loved one.. do just that. You can also take a look at our Father’s Day page for more tips and advice on how to make the days ahead that bit easier.

Always remember, you matter, your grief matters and so does your loved ones memory. As long as you live, in a sense so do they. Memories forever shared is a precious soul never forgotten.

If you are a young person and feel you are in need of some extra support - please reach out to us: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. 

If you are an adult, you can make contact with your local Cruse office here: www.cruse.org.uk.

You can also call the freephone Cruse helpline on: 0808 808 1677 - the opening hours are: 

• Monday-Friday 9.30am-3pm

 Look after yourself for the week ahead and know that there is always someone ready to support you.

Mother's Day & Grief -Bridget's letter to herself

My name is Bridget and I am 29 years old, I am currently studying for my second Masters degree. I got involved with Cruse when I was 15 after my Mum passed away from cancer. She was ill for two years and unfortunately lost her battle in June 2007. Nearly 16 years later and I am still on my grief journey although the path I walk has changed a lot over time. This is more a letter to myself than a letter to my Mum but I hope that it says something to each of you too.

Last year Superdrug sent me an email asking me if I wanted to opt out of Mother’s Day promotions. I remember the feeling I got when I saw the email. No one had ever asked me that before, I had never been given the option to opt out of events like that. I decided to opt out and this year they asked me again. Although this spares me from the stream of emails regarding Mother’s Day gift ideas it still comes from other avenues. You can’t opt out of social media or TV ads, other people’s posts or the adverts that pop up on bus stops and billboards this time of year.

Although it’s been years since those things have bothered me it was still nice to be given a choice in one aspect of my life. It’s been nearly 14 years since my Mum passed and as much as people don’t realise I still think about her every day. I don’t really believe in the stages of grief. I think, rather you experience grief differently in each stage of your life. As I lost my Mum at 15 I had an initial stage infused with teenage hormones and mood swings, school drama and exams. Later I went off to uni and lived away from home and I felt her absence then in a different way. I continued on my path in life and in grief when I traveled and longed to tell her about my adventures and the things I had seen. I completed a Masters degree and looked out into the crowd at graduation and wished more than anything to see her face. I moved to New York and got a coveted internship at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, my Dad came to visit and I beamed with pride as I gave him a tour of the galleries and I had a quiet cry to myself wishing Mum could be there with us too. I moved home and fell in love with a wonderful man and if I could have one wish it would be for them to meet. Through every stage of my life my grief has been there but that is not a sign of weakness and it is not a sign that I have not “moved on”. It’s a sign that I loved my Mum and I know that she would be proud of me and would be so happy to see me happy, to see me graduate, to see me travel, to see my pursue my dreams and take chances, to see me happy with a good partner. Every Mother’s Day that passes is another year since I was able to buy her flowers or write her a card telling her how much she means to me. But at the end of the day I am half my Mum, I have her habits and her sense of humour, even her quick temper and a good bit of her stubbornness. The best Mother’s Day gift I could give my Mum is living my life boldly, beautifully and proud to be her daughter.

I will take time this Mother’s Day to grieve quietly in my own way, I’ll maybe take a walk in Belvior Park where she used to take us as kids, I’ll buy some flowers to brighten up my home and I’ll quietly thank her for giving me this rather wonderful life I lead. I will feel a pang of loss that she’s not here today but I can still celebrate her and her life on Mother’s Day.

Happy New Year!! But wait, how can it be 'happy' without my person?!

The beginning of a new year, you either love it or hate it. Entering a new year can be especially hard when grieving the loss of a loved one. Whether that be leaving behind the year that you lost them in, or just entering a whole other year without them again. Just like Christmas, entering a new year is filled with joy, love, and celebrations galore. But, how could you ever view it that way when your most favourite person isn’t physically coming with you. It’s important to know that it’s ok if you don’t like New Years and the month of January because of this. It’s equally ok to love New Years and the turn of the clock due to finding comfort in being around those closest to you. Let January 2023 take place in whatever way feels right to you. 

We deeply hope that you feel your loved one’s presence around you more than ever before. Although they cannot be with you how you hoped, or imagined.. your loved one is and always will be more of you than you know. 

You can never truly lose someone you love. They are wrapped in every fibre and piece of your being and they always will be. Aslong as you live, so will their love and legacy. Look after yourself in the new month of a new year. If you’re needing someone to talk to, send us an email: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk and a bereaved young person will get back to you as soon as possible. The Cruse, free helpline is also open on: 0808 808 1677.

Sending love and warm thoughts as always, 

Team Hope Again.