"Your pain becomes my pain just as your hope becomes my hope."

These are your stories, chosen from your real-life experiences of grief and hope. Thank you so much to all of you young people for having the courage to share your story with us.

These powerful stories have been emailed to us personally by brave young people from across the globe, who are willing to share their experience of loss to try and help other people in the same situation. I find it so inspiring and courageous that these young people will give a little piece of their lives to try and alleviate somebody's pain. Expressing your story in this way can help lift the burden off your own shoulders, and also make other people feel less isolated in their own grief. Please send us your story, as it can help so many others find hope again.

-Victoria at Hope Again

The stories below are honest accounts of grief from young people all over the world. Due to this, some may find parts of the stories upsetting, this could be due to the similarity to your own story or because grief can be a sad topic to read/talk about. Be sure to look after yourself if this happens and reach out to those closest to you. We want this space to be a safe one and also one in which young people feel is a real platform for their grief journey. Each young person who submits their personal story to us, is offered grief support and advice afterwards.

Mia (15)

Hi! I just found this website and wanted to share my story.My grandma that was like a second Mom to me just passed away from cancer that was spreading very quickly.It was in her brain,her lungs and her liver.Her chemo was not working and she had to start hospice a few weeks ago.It was really hard to wrap my head around because her passing did not feel real.She loved anyone and everyone unconditionally.She is the person that would make me laugh and feel special and help me during the hard times or she would give me great advice.I already miss her so much but know that she is not in pain anymore.Anyone that has lost a loved one recently or in general I am so sorry and I get it. It is hard to picture the rest of my life without her but I know that she is looking down at me and my family smiling right now.Thank you for letting me share my story and one last thing that I have to say is Cancer sucks but we have to let people support us during this hard time in our lives.

Soph (19)

My name is Sophia but I go by Soph. Growing up I only had my mum, grandma and Grandpa around. My dad has never really been in the picture he was a alcoholic and wasn't the nicest person to be around. So growing up my grandpa was my male role model and pretty much like a father to me. He had a camera and would take videos of me growing up and family events so I could watch them growing up as he knew everyone wouldn't be around all my life. He gave me nicknames like Grub and Chucky as I had ginger curly hair growing up. I thought they were silly growing up but then I learnt to love them as they were memories of him. When I got older he started calling me Soph. But certain days he would still call me Grub and walk past me messing my hair up. But sadly my whole world started to fall apart right in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could other than hope he'd pull through. In October 2020 while I was at his going to pick my bike up he said to me and my mum you better come in and told us to sit down and then he said the words I was dreading my non hogdkins lymphoma has come back and I'm having to start chemo. It broke my heart hearing those words come out of his mouth and I broke down in tears. He was fighting it as much as he could after multiple chemo therapy and radiotherapy treatments and battling sepsis 3 times which nearly killed him when we finally got the all clear in August 2021. We were all so happy to hear that he was getting better until everything fell apart and he was rushed to hospital after his doctor told him he made a mistake. His cancer had started attacking his lungs the most and he was really struggling as he had copd. He eventually got sent home from the hospital but was rushed back in and 1 litre of fluid was drained from his left lung. He then discharged himself as he knew he didn't have long left and wanted to say goodbye to us and his dogs as he didn't want us to see him get worse and pass away. In the early hours of the morning my grandma had to ring him an ambulance as he was really bad they drained 2 litres of fluid off his left lung. He then got put on The Amu unit and grandma got the phone call at around 3am that we had to get there straight away as he was on end of life. It broke my heart hearing mum shout outside my door to get dressed quickly cause we had to rush to hospital due to him being on end of life. I cried the whole way to pick her up and going to the hospital. I ram Straight to his room and tried to stay calm cause he wouldn't want any of us to cry infront of him. But when I did cry he said what are you crying for and that it was okay and that he loved me. After every few hours he kept asking what time it was and when it got to around 8am he told us to go home and sort the dogs out. He could still remember what time the dogs had there walks and food. Later on in the day we got told he had been moves onto haematology as his doctor had given him false hope of a chemo that could save his life and he agreed to start chemo the next day on Christmas eve. But sadly it didn't go to plan grandma got another call at 2am to say he had got worse and was fast asleep and wasn't waking up. She rang me and my mum at roughly 6am and said I wasn't gonna ring straight away as it wasn't his time yet and I wanted some time alone with him before he passed. We sat by his side the whole time. But I knew it wouldn't be long as when a nurse came to get his bloods they couldn't get any and said they would come back later and try again but we all knew they wouldn't be back later as he would be gone. At 8am a nurse came in and asked if any of us were hungry or wanted a brew. Me and mum got a brew and grandma got some toast and a brew before we left to sort the dogs out while mum stayed with him. But as grandma turned around she said I'm not going anywhere and sadly at 8:12am on Christmas eve 2021 he peacefully fell asleep and we had to say goodbye to the man who held our family together. It will forever haunt me those 2 days watching my grandpa slowly fade away and not being able to do anything. But I know he'd want me to carry on and make him proud which I promised him I would. He will always hold a special place in my heart and ill cherish the memories we made in the 17 years he was in my life. 2 years later it still breaks my heart at times, I won't sugar coat it as it is hard and you will still struggle but it does get easier in time. I know its hard to believe right now but it does. Somedays I still cry about the fact he isn't hear anymore and won't get to see me grow up, get married, have kids and graduate from college or get my dream job or my first house. But I know he's watching over me smiling at hoe proud he is of me. I'll forever love him he made me the person I am today and I'll forever be grateful for what he taught me.

Grace (17)

On the 7th February 2023, one of my friends, Mason, took his own life. It was a shock and it was unexpected because I don't live near him anymore. When I was living near him we was always together, making bad decisions or having a good time together. He was so kind to everyone and he as always the person people turned to if they had a problem or if they needed someone to talk to. Now I look back on it, he might of always helped those people to distract him from his own problems that nobody knew about. It's always the happiest people that feel the worst but 9 times out of 10 they don't talk about it. This one time he came to my house and my dog, Rosie, was very jumpy around new people, and he came in the door and she rushed down the stairs like she did everyday and she ran into him because she was so excited and she tripped him over, and it was the smallest thing ever but we laughed about it for ages and every time we brought it up after that, it was always the funniest thing. He had the most unique laugh and even if the joke wasn't funny, you would still end up in tears of laughter because his cheeky smile and giggle was the funniest thing you would hear. There is a lot of memories I could talk about but I want to talk about the struggle it's been since he passed away. Nobody told me that Mase had died, I had to find out through people social media and I know that's not the way anyone should ever find out something like that and I know that's definitely not the way he wanted me to find out. But I also know that he felt like there was no other way out. He was the strongest person I have ever met and because he chose this way, it will never make him weak in any way. At first it was hard to believe that he was actually gone but when he wasn't replying to my texts or calls anymore, it all started to slowly become real. I often question if it crossed his mind that he could speak up and talk to me about how he felt and what bothered him but he had his own coping mechanisms and unfortunately it lead to this. I know he will never be forgotten, but I can't help but think his last moments were in pain and he was alone. The grieving process is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. Me and mason were 3 years apart but we were so close you wouldn't have even noticed. Although it has all become reality, it still doesn't feel real. I hope that he is in a better place, a place that he deserves to be in and has finally found some peace of mind and happiness. I'll do everything you wanted me to do and make you proud mase.

Gone but never forgotten. Forever 17 <3

Jessie

My brother died just under a month ago and it was only when he was gone that I realised I had never had to live without him. He had the biggest smile and the cheekiest glint in his eye all the time. He may have been 24 in age but he was only a toddler in his development.
Every day throws in a new challenge. Something different to feel from the day before. Some days, I wake up and I can get on with my work and everything is okay, others it feels like the world is caving in and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Wherever I am he is with me though. His picture is up next to my bed so I can have the same discussion that we had every morning and every evening. I can wake up and say ‘good nornin William’. I ordered a new phone case that has all my favourite pictures of him or us on it. I will always have him with me, wherever I go, whatever I do.
It’s not fair that he had to be taken from us so young but he is free of pain and suffering and I still love him all the same.

Chelsea (14)

Hi, I'm Chelsea and I'm 14.

When I was only 11, I lost my big brother unexpectedly one school morning. Before he passed, I talked to him and he told me he would be ok as I got ready. I was the last person to talk to him and see him smile. The person that found him was my grandma. That day I did not cry because I did not want to believe it happened. He was my best friend and he was gone in less the 10 seconds. He was the one that was there for me through all the bad times through our childhood. He was sick for a week but this is not what I thought would happen. That day was the last day I will ever hear his voice.

Hattie

We were a normal family of five starting the new 2023 year together, just celebrated my dads 50th birthday on the 6th of January. I was 16 when on the 17th of January 2023, my world changed forever.

It was 6:45am when I heard my dog barking on what I thought was a normal Tuesday morning. I rolled over and went back to bed. Then at 6:50am, my granny came knocking on mine and my sister’s door and brought us to the landing. My granny was with my mum’s friend when she said, “I’m so so sorry, your dad has died in the night”. I couldn’t believe it. I burst into tears and remember my gran hugging my sister and my mum’s friend hugging me. I then heard my brother and we went downstairs to the rest of the family.

It was true, my dad had died from heart failure in the night. The worst months of my life began. Now, 11 months later people think I should be fine by now but i’m not. There is this overwhelming feeling of hurt and upset which follows you everywhere. People try to understand, but you don’t even know yourself what you need or how to feel.

My advice is to keep going. You don’t have to do anything spectacular. Do what you usually do, walk the dog, bake, go to the gym. You don’t have to forget or move on but carrying on is the most important. And most importantly the thing that stays with me is ‘what would dad do?’.

Abi (12)

On the 18th of November 2023, I lost apart of me.
I lost my Nana, to cancer. She had liver, lung and limb cancer, and the first day I found out, I got in the car and asked my dad, “ What were Nana’s results?”.

He cleared his throat and said, “She has cancer”. A hole was ripped out of my heart. I couldn’t stand feeling she was sick. She battled on for 3 months.

I tried everything. i prayed every night, I went on hospital trips and donated to cancer charities, but nothing worked.

Days went past and she was just getting worse and worse. I knew it was bad when she couldn’t walk anymore. My gorgeous Nana is all about exercising, but then all of a sudden, she couldn’t walk anymore.

Then 3 days later, she couldn’t speak anymore. She was exhausted, she hated laying in her bed, always wanting to watch T.V. But in the end, she had no energy.

It went from my Nana looking after me, but then it was my time to look after her. We may not of had our walks or holidays or had a drink, but we definitely had quiet time by the couch, eating lovely soup your friends made.

On the 17th of November 2023, I was with you all day that day, even though you couldn’t speak, I stayed by your side… no matter what. You had the death rattle. Nurses were coming in to give you medicine, you were in so much pain. You just didn’t want to give up.

I will never forget waking up at 12:15 and hearing my dad crying. I asked what had happened, my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t think she had gone, but the answer was “she’s passed away at 12:13 am on the 18th of November 2023”.

My Nana, if your watching over me, I just want to tell you I love you and I miss you so much. I’d do absolutely anything to have you back.

You saw me have my first breath, I saw you have your last.

18.11.23
Fly High Nana.

Chloe (12)

My name is Chloe and in December 2019, my brother died suddenly and I was very upset. But, then I was told that it was ok how I was feeling and that the way I felt doesn't last forever. I was helped a lot by Cruse Bereavement during lockdown when I felt my worst.

Abbi (18)

I was with my person for over 3 years and we loved each other with everything we had in us. We lived together, we done everything together. On the 24th June 2022 I lost him and my world came crashing down. I remember everything about that phone call from the police, everything he said from word to word to breath to breath and I remember dropping to my 2 knees repeatedly saying "this isn't true, my Kurtis can't be gone". They then told me it wasn’t just him, it was his mum as well. I just screamed and cried for 40 mins while the police tried to get me round to see them. At this point, I was homeless. I just wish I could have saved him cause I know love would have saved him. I love you beautiful blue eyed boy fly high xx

Kayla (16)

My Dad passed away 5 months ago in April just 9 days before my 16 birthday.
It was a normal morning, me and my sister were getting ready for school and work until I heard a noise form downstairs. I went down to go and see what was happening yet everything seemed somewhat normal except that my dad’s work chair was empty and he wasn’t in the kitchen either but the noise was louder from the living room. When I walked in, I found my dad struggling to breathe on the couch. He looked at me with such fear in his eyes and I didn’t know what to do. I yelled out for my sister, she got downstairs and once she saw my dad she was in tears and panicking.
She told me to go get her phone and mine and then call mom while she called the ambulance. I tried to stay calm while telling my mom she had to get home and that dad needed her. I could hear my sister talking to the emergency line caller and doing all the sensory tests to check on my dad who’s now calmed down and was able to somewhat talk yet couldn’t move as much. After putting down the phone, I checked on my dad who kept telling me we had to go to the medi cross - hospital in South Africa- and I had to keep telling him that we were in England not South Africa and there was no medi cross.
The emergency caller told my sister that there would be an hour delay on the the ambulance which wasn’t enough time for my dad. We called our uncle who told us to get out cousin and drive dad to a hospital- which was 30 minutes away plus added road works.
My sister went out the room to call our cousin while I stayed with my dad who somehow through this all comforted me and held my hand telling me everything would be fine.
My cousin had arrived a few minutes after being called and we had gotten my dad into the car with my sister next to him at the back seat. I had managed to grab his phone and glasses before leaving. I was holding tight onto my dad’s belongings.
We had been on the road for a bit yet it felt like hours as road works stopped us and the morning traffic of people trying to get work and school didn’t help. We had put on our hazard lights trying to get people to move yet we were ignored by everyone.
We had told my mom to go to the hospital and tell them to get a bed ready for dad, but just 10 minutes out my dad had passed out and was chocking again. Maybe a minute after he went silent and mentioned less at the back of the car. My sister started screaming for him to wake up constantly yelling dad yet he didn’t respond. I finally saw the sign of the hospital and we saw my mom and ambulance workers waiting for us outside the emergency entrance.
The car stopped and we got out as the workers did their job getting our dad out and onto the bed. My sister hugged my mom as I walked down the road and sat on the pavement shaking and crying, hoping my dad will be fine.
During the span of roughly 20 minutes, we had been taken to a waiting room where my uncle had come and sat with us while we waited for a doctor to come and tell us what happened. A man finally entered the room holding a clipboard of documents. I prayed in my mind that everything would be fine and my dad would be awake in the room waiting for us. But, when the doctor told us he hated to be the bearer of bad news, I just sat there as he told us that my dad had passed away. I don’t remember much except the moments where I was brought to the room he was kept in. I hated how there were wires connected to him and a tube going down his throat. I couldn’t bare to look and he felt cold, unlike the warm feeling my dad usually had.

Maybe a week after his death we finally found out my dad had a heart disease and died because of a blockage in his main artery causing him to have a heart attack.

After my dads death, I found it hard to go to school yet I still managed. But I feel that a lot of people don’t understand what I’m going through and expect that now I shouldn’t be upset anymore which isn’t true.

I know it’s hard and I still struggle today, but no one is alone and you shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about how you feel or the loved one you have lost.

Therese (16)

Hi everyone, I wanted to share my story in hopes that it might give someone somewhere hope to make it through another day. Here goes-
I grew up in a really loving family, I have 7 siblings, and every one of us is well taken care of. But a couple years back I got totally stressed out, I was a solid A student and my grades dropped, I got quieter, I felt like I wasn't good enough, and I felt like completely abandoned. I felt like I could never be who my family needed me to be, like I couldn't fix anything i wanted to and that I just made things worse. I was the person that got left out but people always spilled their problems to. I was always helping other people when I was falling apart myself. Soon I started skipping a meal, then a meal and a half, then two. I walked through my days like a corpse angry at God for not doing something. I felt numb. But I felt so much pain too. I slowly spiraled into depression and nobody noticed. My dad was a councilor and yet the masks I wore to cover up what i was going through were good enough to fool even him. Life lost its joy, and soon enough it was hard to get up in the morning. Crawling out of bed took so much effort. I had no energy, no appetite, my body was completely shutting down. I didn't want to live anymore, and this fact scared me so much. I wanted to get help, but I didn't want to be a burden. I started to hurt myself and the cycle continued and I got worse and worse. It took everything in me guys, everything. Every ounce of strength to get back up and keep trying, and so many days I thought it would be my last. But I am still here, and I'm not going anywhere. To all you out there struggling with Anxiety, Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide, Grief, Addiction, whatever it is, I see you. God sees you. I felt abandoned and alone but he was right there with me and he is there with you right now. Keep persevering, get help if you need to, don't give up the fight even when you don't see a reason to continue. There IS HOPE! I am walking proof that you all can make it through this. My friends didn't see what I was going through, my family didn't see, but God sees everything, and He knows and wants your pain. Friends, don't give up. Please. There is hope and there is a new life for all of you. This is NOT the end for you. THERE IS HOPE!

Michaela (24)

My family which consisted at the time of my parents, me, and my two younger brothers, were driving back home after church. My oldest brother needed to go to the library to work on some of his homework, and the rest of us went home. My mom had been sick with a virus for a few months at that point but she seemed to only be getting worse as time went on. It was messing with her asthma really bad to the point she couldn't really do anything and she had a hard time just talking to people. My dad made her go to the doctor just a few days prior and they gave her some antivirals to help with it. The side effects of these meds were the symptoms of the pulmonary embolism. The "side effects" showed up that morning as we were getting ready for church that day, and we dismissed the symptoms as the side effects and didn't think anything of it. We came back from church and my mom suddenly yelled out to us that she couldn't move and the she needed to sit down. So my youngest brother and I tried getting a chair outside for her, but we were too slow. I heard her coffee mug hit the pavement outside our home quickly followed by everything else she was carrying which was quickly followed by a loud this. I saw Mom laying facedown on the ground as if she was standing up but forgot how gravity works, and she didn't get up on her own. My dad managed to get her leaning on the wall and woke her up while our neighbor called 9-11 for us. In the time it took the EMTs to get here from 2 blocks away Mom passed out again and Dad woke her up again. She passed out again and went into cardiac arrest as soon as they got here and they cut off everything she was wearing in her chest area so they could do CPR on her. They thought it was a massive heart attack at first it wouldn't know for sure until they got to the hospital. They couldn't get her to the hospital until she had a steady heartbeat. My friend Esther and some of her family rushed over here when I called them and she and I prayed to God for that heartbeat and the ambulance left while we prayed. I thought that that meant that Mom would get to come home again. When we got to the hospital Mom was in a resuscitation unit and we were told that she was the first person in over five years to show up at the hospital alive in her condition. Again, I thought that meant she would get to come home with us. After a while of waiting they got her stabilized enough to put her in the ICU and by then her brain had swollen up a lot so they put her in a coma to help reduce the swelling but we're gonna cut the top of her head open and just let it swell if it didn't stop swelling, which I think they did do. Then the personality part of her brain died along with other parts of her brain until it came down the the vital organs part being the only part that was alive still. She had several code blue's called at that point and Dad was encouraged to sign a DNR. We were told that she had had a massive pulmonary embolism that has a less than 5% survival rate, and that she would most likely never wake up again, assuming that she manages to stay alive through the night, and IF by some miracle she DOES wake up she will be in a vegetative state until her body does die. A pulmonary embolism is basically the same thing as an aneurysm, but it is in the pulmonary arteries of the lungs instead of the brain. The reason her brain died was because she had hit her head when she fell and the lack of oxygen when her heart failed. She went 20 minutes without any oxygen going to her brain. Maybe 20 minutes after Dad signed the DNR Mom went into another code blue and they didn't do anything to bring Mom back. They just unplugged everything that was hooked up to her, did some sensory tests to see if she would give any kind of response to the stimulation and nothing. Then the death sentence came: Time of Death: 22:13." Coping for the next year or so was next to impossible and I hit rock bottom about 7 months afterwards, and took me another year to fully get out of that hole I was in. The pain of losing Mom is still there 5 years later and it is still just as intense as it was then, but I've gotten used to constantly bearing that pain 24/7/365.

Madison (13)

On July 28th, 2018 I lost my mom. The sherriff of my county came and knocked on my door while I was playing with my friend in the playroom. I thought my grandma had hit another telephone pole so I shrugged it off. When my grandma came to pick up all of my older and younger siblings except me and my older sister, I realized something was off. Me, dad, and my big sister headed to the hospital and he explained what had happened. I didn't shed a tear. My dad had said: “Hey Maddy I know you really love your mom so you have to come with us so she can see somebody. The Deputy hit her car.” I said “Okay Dad. I hope she's okay.” We drove an hour and a half to get to the hospital. We had gotten into the hospital at noon. I ran in and said my mommy was there. The nurse waited for my big sister and dad. My dad said the name and we were sent to a quiet room. The head doctor came in and said " I'm so sorry, she didn't make it." I was bawling but asked if I could see her. I got to give her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead. After that I haven't been quite the same. She was the biggest influence in my life. She was gorgeous and I'll admit, she wasn't perfect, but she was my mommy. In December My Uncle died, and My papaw died in March. I really wasn't ready for that. I don’t think I will ever be the same. In early July, my friend Danielle died in a car accident too. I will never think of anything like I did before. I will also never stop thinking about them. Grief is something you never fully go through, and that's okay. I loved them all, and the closure of knowing they loved me too, is what keeps me sane.

Louise (15)

I know this phrase is a bit cliché but my journey has been a rollercoaster and will continue to be. It all started over a decade ago when I was little; I lost one of my closest relatives quite suddenly and it was devastating, they still had a lot more life to live. Me being a little’un I didn’t understand what was going on no matter how much it was explained to me, so all I really remember is the feeling of anxiety, I didn’t feel any grief.

This anxiety has stuck with me ever since; coming in the forms of panic attacks, low mood, and just simply worrying. As I navigated my way through childhood and school, I struggled. I had flashbacks, I hated talking about what happened, people didn’t know how to support me in school and out. And of course, mental health therapies had long waiting lists and didn’t work.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel (or of the rollercoaster haha). Ever since getting older I have had some more therapies which have made me think and I have felt grief over that death, others and losing things such as friendships. Some days I cry constantly; other days I laugh over memories. I no longer avoid talking about what happened as I know for a fact that made it worse.
As of now, I still worry a lot. I have many fears and my anxiety has good and bad days. A difference is that I am happier more often. So I’m telling you there is Hope Again, and you will feel happy or whatever you want to feel again. For me, this started from getting all my emotions out, talking to people and doing stuff that made me happy such as art and taking on the challenge of DofE. These were all cathartic experiences. I have comfort in being positive but some days I am far from that. I also find it useful to think that ‘I am doing it for them’ and how proud they will be of me now.

Everyday is different and you will find Hope Again x

Jess

About 4 months ago on the second of April my friend locally known as Mally got murdered in my area. This was a shock as it was unexpected. When I was in year 7, Mally was 19 but my friends brother knew him. Sometimes, he would meet us outside of school and walk us home to make sure we got home safe because there was always something going on in our area. When you heard Mally laugh, you would laugh as he had such a unique laugh - I will never forget it. I remember just looking at our local news then seeing a picture of Mally and there was lots of articles about his death. My instant reaction was to cry, but I carried on like usual. I went to school without saying a word or telling parents. My friend calls me everyday when I am at school. I moved areas not that long ago because of the crime rate but my friend still calls me every lunch and break crying over our friend. As the months have gone on, I am not gonna lie and say it has got better because it has not. I know he will never be forgotten, but I can`t help but think that his last moments were in pain? We often question did he fight back?. Either way, I miss Mally. He made sure we were safe, he made us laugh, we told him about our problems. I hope we are making him proud. Recently, I have been thinking of talking to a trusted teacher at school. My teachers can tell something is not right. One thing i will always remember is that Mally said, "no matter what you lot keep going, keep your heads held high".

Forever Remembered Mally!!!!

Amelia (17)

I was 15 when my step dad passed away, and whenever I told people about it I would always just call him my dad because I was scared that if I said he was my step dad people would not take my grief seriously. My step dad to me was my dad and my best friend, he lived with us and we did everything together. I saw him and my mum together and I am sure that they were soul mates. I did not have a good relationship with my biological father, so my step dad was the main father figure in my life. In November 2019, I was walking home from school when I saw my brother standing on our drive shouting my name. When I ran over to him I saw that our step dad was lying trapped underneath our big off-road car. He had been trying to fix it and it had fallen on him. I tried to find his pulse and see if he was breathing but there was nothing so i called the ambulance whilst my brother got the neighbors to try and help us. In the end, fire engines, ambulances and an air ambulance came to try and get the car off him. I knew that I would have to make the phone call to my mum’s work to tell her the news. Seeing her screaming and crying as she arrived at the house completely broke me, she had just lost the love of her life. Eventually, my step dad was pronounced dead on the scene. This was 2 weeks before my final GCSE mocks which was eventually used as my real GCSE grades due to COVID and I am proud that I did so well. However, I know that I ignored my emotions to try and get on with school which is why now I am starting to process everything. There is so much that he has missed out on already and it’s only been 2 years and one of the hardest things to think about is that I will never see him again and we won’t be able to share memories together. I am thinking about him a lot lately and seem to be crying everyday. Me, my mum and my brother have not spoken about his death really but I know my brother is struggling with suicidal thoughts and I am scared that he will do something bad to himself. I will not be able to cope if he does as we have just started to become really good friends. I don't know how to help him as we don't have that kind of relationship where we talk about our feelings we both just bottle it up which isn't good. But, I find it awkward talking to anyone about how I feel. I miss my step dad so much and I hope he is watching over me.

To anyone reading this that is struggling, you are not alone we can all figure this out together our loved ones will always be looking after us.

Megan (18)

I lost the love of my life and soulmate. He was 19. We were together nearly 2 years.

I was at college and had an unusually busy day. He texted me in the morning he was at work and was having a good day and sent me a picture of his hair that the wind had messed up. I am a bad replier and because i was aiming for A*’s at the time i was focused in college. I got throughout the day and i noticed he hadn’t replied in 11 hours. It was 7pm at this point and i was eating tea and i heard my phone ringing.
Deon’s dad was ringing me on FaceBook and he asked if i was home and i said yes and he said okay i will see you in 20 minutes. It felt like an hour but him and Deon’s brother kaiden arrived and he told me Deon was dead. I screamed and cried and hugged both of them. I cant remember the bit after well but i asked if Deon’s close friends knew and they said no. Just the family and me. I rang Harvey and i told him i was coming round and to get Reece at Harvey’s house ASAP. My dad drove me and Harvey and his mum were waiting at the door and i told Harvey that his best-friend since he was a kid was dead.
Losing a partner is different in a way and at my age i wont see it as a death but a very painful breakup. My mind protects me in that sense to make it easier. I have been struggling a lot but grief is a weird thing.

Thank you for reading i have never recalled this event to anyone.

Kimi (21)

I lost my grandmother on the day I was evicted from school at the age of 18. It was such a quick moment that grieving didn't feel possible, but I knew her death was impending as she was getting sicker and sicker. The hardest part was knowing I wouldn't get to say goodbye on my terms and in person. To have such an influential figure pass wrecks your spirit because times feels too short, but you regret that you didn't make the effort to know them better.
At 19, my mother passed on my first day of my sophomore year of college. To say surprise was an understatement. I knew something bad had happened when I felt in my stomach, as if we had a soul connection. I later found her dead on the floor with her earbuds still in. It was the most painful thing to see as well as being told to move her bodies by the dispatchers to check for a pulse, but I knew there was no point. I was alone for so long waiting for anyone to arrive. Til this day the image haunts me in my sleep and has ultimately warped my sense of my mother from happiness to trauma. No one tells you what it is like to lose a parent so suddenly. I had a friend who lost her father to cancer right before my grandma, and I felt awful for her, but to be able to relate 6 months later is the worst connection to have to her now.
When I was 20 my final grandparent passed. Again expected purely because he was almost 101. However, he was so young in spirit and physically capable of moving around. It's hard to not resent people, when he knew the surgery wasn't smart no one listened. Again, I wasn't able to say goodbye or attend the funeral.
After everything it is hard to be resilient to loss, I never feared death, but I fear having to experience grief to the extent that I have over the last two years. I constantly fear the next person to leave me in the same way without a goodbye.

Ella (15)

My name is Ella, I’m 15 and I lost my little brother to suicide 8 days before my 15th birthday.

I woke up one morning to my mum asking me if TY was sleeping in my room. He wasn't and she ran downstairs. I was so confused so I went downstairs to find my parents panicking as TY wasn’t home. Sometimes TY would sneak out, so at first I thought he went to a friends house. I went into his room and I found a letter to me ,my mum and my dad. Instantly I knew and I felt so dizzy and sick. My mum was on the phone to the police when I showed her the letter. The police arrived and asked me to leave the room so I sat waiting nervously. I heard my mum screaming and I later found out this is when they were told they found a body at the bottom of a bridge on a road at 1:00am. My dad told me the news and I was insanely shocked, I didn’t believe it was actually TY and thought they had made a mistake.

The grieving process is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. Me and my brother were a year and ten months apart so we were extremely close, best friends. My life is never ever going to be as good as it was meant to be and it will never ever be the same again. It still doesn’t feel real even though we have his ashes. I hope that he is in a way better place, a place that he deserves to be in and has finally found some peace of mind and happiness. I love you TY, I’ll always love you and I’ll never stop thinking about you, every single step of the way. I’ll do everything you wanted me to do and everything we would've done together alone knowing you will be with me really.

Shar (17)

I already felt lost way before I even went back home. I immigrated to a new country when I was five with no relatives I knew and no friends. It was hard making friends and sleeping at night due to nightmares - for years it would go on like that. I finally went back home after almost six years because my Mom’s father, my Grandpa, was dying from fluid in his lungs and cancer. We spent about a month taking care of him in the hospital. We never really kept contact when we moved before because we were all so busy and a family feud was going on. He never spoke a word to me when we saw him. He was so thin and weak. I didn’t notice until after our trip, but my Mom and the rest of my relatives shielded me and my cousins from witnessing the stress and grief by having a bunch of family gatherings - and it was the first time in years since I felt like I was home. I knew he was getting worse but at the same time I thought that he would pull through and somehow survive and thrive. He died three weeks into the trip. I was told in a way I will never forget by my younger cousin - he said it like a joke and doesn’t know the way he told the news robbed me. My grandpa’s funeral lasted for four days; an open casket and then a cremation on the last. I didn’t say goodbye to him, nor time to say bye to the rest of my relatives as my Mom and I had to go back.

For the next three years, I cried everyday - my first and last thoughts always about my grandparents and my relatives - feeling so lost again. I actually blamed myself because of his cancer, which is stupid cause how could have I helped him? I blamed myself for not visiting more and for being selfish. Sometimes, I forget that I was only eleven and had no control over his health. I started having really bad chest pains (like a heart attack) that I actually thought I was going to die, maybe they were anxiety attacks. I had such dark thoughts and felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, like I physically couldn’t or I would start crying. Even though I didn’t know my grandpa really well, I think the reason why I grieved so hard was because I was robbed of a childhood with relatives, robbed from ever saying goodbye, and most of all lessons I could’ve learned.

All that grief created this other side of me and I don’t ever want to experience that heartbreak again. I hope whatever you’re going through or went through will soon not hurt as bad. A lot of people say this but things take time. I still grieve but I don’t cry everyday like before, sometimes talking to people about your grief eases your mind, maybe give peace. You will never stop grieving but learn to live with it. I hope you find answers to your questions and please go easy on yourself.

Sunny (17)

I don't remember how old I was but I was in 4th grade I believe. I lost my grandma from my mom side of family. She was amazing and the only family member I knew from my mom side of family. She was so nice to me. I remember one time she picked me up from school, I was tired and she carried me inside. My grandma, we called her Baba. My brother named her that when I was just a baby. Baba had a lot of health issues, she had heart problems and was on a lots medicines. She also had problems breathing on her own so she had a oxygen thing with her all the time. In the month of February, one night we were getting ready for bed. Baba was coughing a lot and my mom was worried and ask her if she wanted to go to the hospital but she denied. During the night, I had to use the bathroom. When I was done, I notice Baba was coughing a lot but I didn't do anything about it. I was younger and also to mention I am deaf. A couple of minutes later, I heard my service dog, Jingle barking but my dad took care of it.

The next morning, I woke up. I opened my door and saw firefighter and EMTS in the house. They were going into my Baba’s room. A guy spotted me and told me he was going to get my mom. My dad came instead. He pick me up and took me to my parents room and that’s when my mom broke the news. She died in the middle of night on her favorite chair while watching her favorite show and had her favorite soda beside her. At the time, I was thinking to myself- "If I went to check on her and get my parents help, she wouldn't have died". That is a example of what I kept on thinking. I missed two days of school but when I came back, my special aid teacher welcomed me with warm hugs and let me cry. Baba was a huge person in my life. I was glad to have someone like her.

Katie (12)

I lost a part of me on February 17, 2022. I lost my grandma after a year long battle to lung cancer. Let's start from the morning of that Thursday. I woke up, like normal, got dressed, ate my breakfast, and got on the school bus. Everything was like any other day, until I got to science class. I was following my teacher with my eyes, and then something on the ground caught my eye. This is gonna sound crazy but I swear on my leg that it is true. It was a little white cancer ribbon, just laying on the floor. Of course I kinda flipped so I looked up what the white cancer ribbon meant and sure enough, it meant lung cancer! So after class I picked it up and literally glued it to my locker because I never want to lose it. That night she passed away. When she was first diagnosed, I would always go out to the haybales that the back of our farm and just sit there and pray that some sort of miracle would happen and she would be cured. As time went on and her illness progressed, those prayers slowly turned into give me a sign when it is about to happen, make sure that I am prepared before it happens, and please just let it be peaceful. I knew that it was a God send right away. Then, ten days later, my great grandmother passed away. I only had ten days to grieve. There was 8 days between the funeral and calling arrangements. I really don't feel like I can continue because I lost a lot of people in a very short time. This is very hard. But I have a feeling, that one day, everything will just click and everything will improve. I don't know if that is going to happen, but I am going to hope and pray to God that it does. I am doing ok right now. But I know that I won't be tomorrow. Each night when I go to sleep, I never know how tomorrow is going to play out and how I am going to feel. Nobody does! So don't beat yourself up if you feel like you could of done something about a situation because you couldn't of! You have to believe that it was meant to happen! You can't go back, you can't have one last hug from them when they are already gone. So do it while you still can. Tell them you love them, hug them, do something with them, because you never know when that will be the last time. We will get through this. We will be ok. We will fight through this. If you are having a rough time right now, just know that I am praying for you every single day. Know that somebody cares about you. I am there for you even though, you have no idea who I am. And you can cry, you are not weak if you do. I have cried so many times during this rough patch, I am not even embarrassed about it when I do cry anymore. One day, it will all be over and you won't be suffering anymore. You will be able to live your life, and be happy. Trust me. Just keep going. No matter how hard it gets. Just keep going, going, going...

Lauryn (18)

On the 2nd of October 2021, I lost my grandma. It was at the end of freshers week, just when I was about to start going to lectures and start my journey at uni. I had only just started settling in, making friendships then, my world fell apart. Me and my grandma were extremely close, she helped me through the darkest time of my life and was someone I would see twice a week, every week of my life, she was my best friend. She was always so happy to see me and I was with her. Doing this without her is tough, I never got the chance to tell her about uni, my friends I've made, my course, etc. I just want to show her how I'm doing but, I never got to say goodbye properly. As a result, my start of uni was very tough. I shut myself off from everyone and was going through grief by myself, which grief is a very lonely process in itself because I felt like I lost a piece of me, I had a hole. I felt so lonely. I'm now 4 months into the process of grief and it's not gotten easier. Each time I go back home I'm reminded of it again, then I come back to uni and get reminded of the moment I found out; I was sat on my bed, watching a lecture preparing for the first week and I got a phone call from my mum crying and explaining what had happened. I didn't know what to do, I was in complete shock. The start of uni is hard for everyone, they all struggle with their own issues like fitting in, finding their feet, feeling homesick and I was dealing with adjusting to living 4 hours away from home, and also dealing with losing my grandma. I've learnt so much about grief and I've got so much more to learn, but what I have learnt is that you don't have to do it by yourself. I felt completely isolated from the rest of my family (especially my mum and my grandad who are also struggling massively) because I was at uni, but I didn't want to drop out, I wanted to make my grandma proud. So, I reached out, I got counselling (which has just ended) and now I'm going to reach out to a grief counsellor and get more specialised help with dealing with grief.

Thank you for reading my story, I hope this helps.

Tilly (14)

I lost my older sister to a brain tumour. I have no idea what to do with myself. But, I think she is looking out for me and behind me everywhere I go. She paints the sky for me when she gets bored. She is next to me in all of my lessons and when she is bored she will go and do the things that she never got to do. I am trying to live for her, doing all the most stupid things I could possibly think of. The things she never got to do in her short 18 years of existence. I feel like I’ve lost my backbone, all my support. The trampoline that just kept bouncing my back up when I was down. But, writing letters and posting them makes me feel better, because I know it will get to her somehow.

Alicia (15)

My grieving started about 3 and half years ago. My cousin was diagnosed with a stage 4 glioma and was told he had 6 months to live. When I found out, my world shattered and I began grieving a person I hadn’t even lost yet. I was angry all of the time and I hurt a lot of people around me. I was so upset about everything going on that I forgot that he was still there and it took me 3 years to realise that. The only reason I realised how little time he had left was when my best friend passed away 6 months ago on the 27th July 2021. I again, was in so much pain I began to hurt myself and I lost all my friends. At that point I didn’t think life was worth living anymore and had given up until I went for a family meal with my cousin. I reminded myself that although he will die sooner than the average person, I needed to be with him while he was still there and even if his body was deteriorating, his mind is still there. I think that’s one of the hardest things to remember when someone gets terminally ill. I spent the last few months of his life spending as much time as possible with him. I’ll never forget his birthday, it was 24th November and I remember how much fun we had that day. Sadly, on the 14th of December 2021 he died, it was his daughter’s fourth birthday. I am so heartbroken that he is gone but I remind myself that he left the way he wanted, even if it wasn’t completely on his terms, he died in his childhood home surrounded by family and that’s all he ever wanted. I was so angry with him at first because he died at 22:12pm and if he held on for just two more hours there wouldn’t be that reminder of his death on a day we should celebrate his little girl but I’m not angry anymore. I think I’ve accepted it. I still haven’t finished grieving my friend or my cousin and now I’m grieving my grandfather, who was diagnosed with late stage terminal liver cancer but I have learnt that even though I’m grieving, they are still there and I have to make the most of it.

This week is 6 months since my friend died, 6 weeks since my cousin died and 6 weeks since my grandad was diagnosed with cancer so it’s been a rough week but I am making my way through it.

The thing to remember when grieving is that you have a right to feel the way you feel and grief and healing isn’t linear. There are no rules to the game of life, you just try the best you can to make the most of people while they’re still around because you can lose them in a second. If this story is shared then I just want whoever reads this to know that you can get through this, I would say the hardest part is over now but that’s not the case. Grief takes a lot out of you and you’ve got to remember that you are allowed to smile, and laugh and be happy. You’ve got to enjoy your life even if it feels wrong without them. I can’t guarantee that you won’t feel in pain when you think about them yet, but eventually you will remember them and not feel the pain and the sadness but instead remember the memories. Remembering and reminiscing is key to healing from grief.

Sarah

I don't even know where to start.

My grieving started 3 years ago on December 17, 2018. I was only 18 years old at the time. So young with so much life ahead of me. I was a senior in high school, it was finals week. It was like any other day. My mom was yelling at me that morning to hurry so I could get to school on time. She had somewhere to be and since I didn't have a first period class I went in later. So that morning she was rushing me. The drive to school was happy despite the yelling that morning. She happily explained to me how she gave her grandchildren early Christmas gifts and how happy they were. I remember the lightness of the conversation. The feelings we felt in that moment. I remember laughing and smiling with her. The whole 10 minutes that it took to get me to school, oh how I wish it took longer. We got to school, I remember getting out and looking at her. We smiled at each other and said goodbye. She told me she would be back later to pick me up after school and wished me luck on my final. One final look and the last words given between us was, "I love you.". Something that lasted for just a few seconds now feels timeless.

After school was over, My niece came to pick me up for school. At the time she didn't know how to drive being only 17, so I was surprised to see her. I was so overcome with excitement I didn't think much of it. I jumped in the car and drove us to my house. I hung out with my niece and nephews all day. Having fun and goofing around. At some point in the evening my niece and I were outside in the backyard looking at the sky/mountains. As I took in the beautiful area I suddenly spoke. I started telling my niece that if anything ever happened to any of us it would be tragic. I told her nothing would be the same and it would be so hard to carry on. I quickly brushed off the sad mood by stating that we should be grateful that we're all safe and enjoy each other while we're still around. She agreed, we smiled at each other and decided to go inside to play games. At that moment in time, I had no idea how true my words were and the disaster that awaited me. I look back now wondering how I could've said something like that without knowing what had been done to my life. I guess on the inside I had a feeling, I knew something was wrong but just wasn't aware.

30 minutes goes by and there's a knock at the door. I open the door laughing and see a woman. She starts saying my mom's name and I quickly shrug her off saying, "Oh, my mom isn't here right now if you want to leave a card or something I can let her know you stopped by when she gets back.". The woman stares at me for a moment before repeating my mom's name and asking if I knew her. I look at her wondering why she's asking so hard about my mom. I tell her she's my mom. She asked for another adult and I just informed her that it's just me. I was the best adult she was going to get. She sighs and starts talking. At that moment a ringing starts in my ear. I didn't hear a word she said. I stare for a moment before asking her to repeat herself. She looks at me and says," Your mom unfortunately was in a car accident this morning. She passed away at 10 am.".

I stare finally registering the words being said to me. I turn to look at my niece who is now standing staring at me with concern wondering what is going on. In front of my niece and nephews I scream, I scream so hard yelling, "Grandma is dead!". I collapsed to the ground screaming as tears rushed down my face. My niece takes off running to call her mom in a panic. Suddenly I stand up again and look at the lady that gave me the worst news of my life. She looks at me with such sad eyes as I quickly tell her she has the wrong person. That it wasn't my mom. I was sure she was at the wrong house, she shakes her head. I demand to know what happened to her; she informs me that my mom's car had been nicked by a semi and flipped off of the freeway. The lady leaves us all in panic. Just like that my whole world was falling around me, everything was breaking. My heart, my mind, and my soul. I was so hurt with my mind racing. How could this be? Why did this happen? Why my mom? Why me? How could she have passed away since that morning without us knowing? I couldn't breathe.

Before I knew it my mom's house was filled with her sisters and my cousins. All of them were so lost and in shock of losing their sister/aunt. Everyone was staring at me with such heartbreak. I screamed and screamed. I screamed looking at them asking them what would happen to me. What was I going to do? How would I be able to carry on? I mean I was still in high school and never had a job before. How could I support my mom's house?

I was just a kid.

It's safe to say that my Christmas that year sucked. The rest of the month was me being dragged around to make me an adult. Getting my ID, the name on the house changed to mine, and burying my mom. I was a wreck, I couldn't believe what my life had come to.

I know this story sounds tragic and it really was. But I did the only thing I could. I kept going. I kept breathing. I didn't have time to grieve for my mom when I needed to fix my life. Finally, the story slowly starts to get better. I pushed myself to graduate high school knowing that's what my mom would've wanted. I learned to pay bills and support myself. I rushed myself wanting to feel better already, I learned quickly that you can't. You have to be gentle and caring with yourself. As time went on, so did I. It's not easy losing someone. But the last thing they would ever want is for you to lose yourself. I stayed strong and got my life in order. Now 3 years later my life is so different, I still miss my mom with all of my heart. I still cry or well sob. It's part of the process, I've learned to love it and accept the tears. I feel my sadness because it reminds me of the love I've felt. I found a partner to love and worked hard. I moved to a new state and started fresh with people that have time to love and care for me. I know I'm stronger because a loss doesn't make you weak. I want people to understand that it might feel like your life is over or you want it to be. Trust me, it isn't and you don't. It's going to take time, heck, it's going to take your whole life but you're going to be okay.

Do great things with the time you have. Tomorrow is never promised. So make the best of today. Be happy to be alive and live for those that you miss. I believe one day I will see my mom again. I feel for the 18 year old me. I wish I could have told myself what I knew now. I hope my sad story helps someone. You're not alone. We all go through tough times, you just need to make sure that you make it to tomorrow every single day of your life. Be happy, find love, find things you're great at, spend time with loved ones. Keep moving forward.

Londeka (21)

I lost my mom yesterday. She got hit by a car on 05/01/2022. I honestly don't know how I feel. I feel fine but I'm scared of the after math. She suffered a brain injury. The doctors couldn't help her because she was bleeding internally. I had hoped she would be okay. She was taken from me suddenly. Unexpectedly. It was real quick. 3 days and she was gone. Damn... I am scared for my whole family, they are not the most connected people in the world and I hate negativity. They are coming up with stories about her death and I hate it. I felt hopeless yesterday. I lost my dad and sister when I was a kid. I really felt parentless and hopeless. I want to be here for my family. But honestly, I want the funeral and everything to be over so I can go back to university. But I can't. I am afraid for my grandma. I don't want to lose her too... Anyway, my truth is that I knew my mom all my life. I know she had a bad childhood and past. But...her unhealed trauma ended up hurting me. She tried her best the past 2 years to get to know me and be a mother. I appreciate the life I had with her. She was the best mother she could be. She did all she could with what she knew. She tried her best and for that. I bless her & I hope she is happy and at peace. I will be okay.❤️😂👏 I will make my dreams come true and yours too. I will be appreciative of life & all things. I will love and give from a wise place. I accept your death mom. Your not even buried yet. But I accept it. You were the best example of someone who faced difficulties in life, but still kept fighting and striving for better. I love you mom. One-day, I will tell my kids about you. I hope to live until I'm 100. My heart is shattered at your lost. All I wanted was to get to know you. That's all. It hurts mum. But I will be just fine. I love you.

To anyone who reads this:

Accept the death even though it's hard.
Talk as much as you can. Don't hold back. It's okay to show emotions and be weak. Be annoying if you must, but let it out. The world still needs you. Your breath still counts. Live for the ones you have lost. They will be happy that your living on their behalf.
3rd... 3 positive affirmations a day. Will do. Even if it lies. Focus on the good.
4th... Be better, do better... Your not alone. I love you. I am with you. It not over. You still Matter. We are going to be okay. We have each other. Our stories. Our grief. But I pray for healing and appreciation for the life we have shared and experienced with the ones we love. It's okay. We will be okay.❤️ I love you.
Let's live. We still have much to live for.

Someone you don't know & haven't met, needs you -

Llonndy

Joey

On the 19th of November 2021 is where I felt like I have lost it all. My girlfriend was sick for many months, could not eat could not have any power to move, I was taking care of her for all of those many months and taking her to see different doctors every now and then.

We used to live together but she never allowed me to sleep with her in the same room because she was worried that whatever she has was infectious so she always told me to go back home with my family and sleep, most of the time I refuse and sleep on the couch in the living room or sometimes I just sleep in the same room not caring about anything.

One night she called me over and asked me to give her some water and I did, I was feeding her the water and then cleaned her up since she can't move and go to the bathroom, I went to wash my hand, and then as I got out of the bathroom she was staring at me with a big smile and asked me to come closer, and I did and she said no closer, and she tried to force some strength out of her to come closer to my face and she kissed me and smiled and closed her eyes.

I went back to the living room and she called me over to the room and said to me, please go home, I want you to have a good sleep and when you wake up you can come back to me again, I hesitate to leave but if that's what she had wished for then fine.
I reached my home and I Have just parked my car and I noticed a text message from here with broken words saying "cimto me nw' I kind of understood that it was saying "come to me now" I thought maybe something was wrong and she couldn't even type correctly, so I drove back in speed and when I reached her apartment and went to see her in her room she was just laying there and I asked her what's wrong and she pointed at her chest, so I called the ambulance and they got here and checked everything and told me that her oxygen level is down and her blood pressure us down we have to take her to the hospital, they were rushing her to the hospital and I was driving like crazy and so worried behind them and we all reached the hospital and they took her to the ER and she was just there, I stayed for many hours and then they decided to take her to a private room and told me to go home and wait for their call.

4 am, the hospital calls me and the doctor was explaining to me what was happening, whenever they tried to raise her oxygen level her blood pressure was going down and whenever they tried to raise her blood pressure, her oxygen level goes down, it was a real mess, but they told me that they will do the best they can to help her.
Woke up in the morning around 7 am, changed my clothes, and went to the hospital to see her, she was unconscious, and they wouldn't allow me to stay for a very long time with her in the room, I checked on her and I left, in the evening I went to visit her again, but this time they added so many machines wit help her breathing and they put some tape over her eyes so she wouldn't open them to dry out, her sight was shattering my heart, the doctor who was with her in the room told me that they were trying to stabilize her condition and she was unconscious and unresponsive and as I was talking to the doctor I noticed they she was moving and she was trying to talk me as if she could hear my voice and was calling out to me. but unfortunately, they had to make me leave the room and told me that they will call me if there are any more developments.

I was driving back home and a friend called me to drop him to the airport and I decided to do it to take my mind off of all of this, and as we were going to the airport the hospital called me and told me to hurry back because she was in a critical condition, I was rushing like a crazy person on the road trying to reach the hospital as soon as possible, and when I got to her room the door was locked and the nurse has opened the door and I saw so many nurses and doctors inside panicking and running around and the nurse didn't allow me to go in and told me to wait outside, I was outside in the hallway scared and worried, 40 to 50 minutes later the doctor comes out with a long face and tells me, we tried everything we can but..... I said but what? she has passed away? the doctor said yes I'm so sorry for your loss... I collapsed in the hallway and the nurse saw me and asked me if I wanted to come inside and see her, I was afraid I didn't want to see her like this but she deserves a final farewell from me, I went in and saw her lifeless corpse on the hospital bed, I broke down in tears and held her hands and kissed her head and I told her that I'm sorry... out of frustration I punched the hospital bed and walked to my car as fast as I can with tears rushing out of my eyes.

She have asked me before she died to have her cremated so I honored her wishes and asked the hospital to help me with it, so a few days later the hospital called me and told me to come to the hospital to identify the body to move her to the crematorium to cremate her body when I got there and saw her like this, I broke down and kissed her forehead and then I have followed the ambulance and we have reached the crematorium, and as they were putting her down near the cremation site ready to set the fire, I went for one last time and I kissed her.

I stayed until the end, until the fire went down and there was nothing but ashes and a few bones, what is sad is that I was the only one there, it was just me staring into those flames, I had to call video call her family so they can be with me in the cremation.

When the fire went out I felt like, this was it, her journey had finally come to an end, our journey has finally come to an end.

I had big plans for us, I was going to propose to you but I guess it won't happen now.. and what pains me is that you have passed away one month exactly before your birthday.

I will forever have you in my heart because you were a big part of my life, thank you for everything my love, and I will hope to see you again in the afterlife my love.

Alecia (13)

October, 20th 2021 I lost my grandma due to covid.

It all started in September. Almost my whole family had gotten sick with covid and I was pretty much the first one to get it. It was the worst sickness that I have ever felt. In one quarter of school I had 45 absences. Next was my dad and he was also super sick 24 days to be exact and I was only sick for 10 days. My dad picked me up from school and told me that my grandma was in the hospital my heart sank to my stomach but I knew she was strong and she would make it out. The whole 4-5 weeks my anxiety was going through the roof and I couldn’t hardly focus in school and my grades were very bad.

I was in volleyball and I missed 2 weeks of that with being sick and I wanted my grams to come to my games but she couldn’t. Everyday all I heard was “your grandma is doing good today” or “she was struggling a bit”. The doctor kept saying “she’s not going to make past Monday”. 2 days before she passed away and my dad recovered from covid he called her and just kept talking to her then he let me talk to her. I could not understand what she was saying but it just hurt my heart to hear her like that. I told her I loved her and she told me “I love you too yaya never forget about me” I told her I would never ever forget about her.

One day I was playing volleyball and one of the nerves were being pinched from my shoulder blade to the back of my neck and whenever. I texted my dad to come get me from school and he said “no just stay at school you’ve missed school way to much” I didn’t even feel like arguing. I was in shop class and my teacher told me “your dad is here to check you out” I was confused as heck since my dad told me that he wouldn’t come get me. I walked up to the office and I was wondering why everybody was looking at me weird?

We went home and I didn’t even question I was throwing something away and I turned around and my dad is just standing there crying then he told me.I just started bawling and I couldn’t stop crying. My mind couldn’t process anything and I just didn’t believe it and I didn’t want to believe it.

I loved her so much her smile, jokes, her presence just lit up the room. She was the rock to my family and seeing her in her casket just broke my heart knowing that i will never see her again until i die. She supported me through my softball, volleyball, and basketball games. I wish I just got to see her one last time.

Anoushka (13)

I lost my father in June 2021 the worst year of my life, when I was 13 and my father 44. God is just so cruel, we were so happy. My dad was my best friend.

He got vaccinated and then was experiencing mild fever. I told my mother that it may be an effect of the vaccine but then the fever continued for days and my mom got tense…but I was still not scared because everybody in my family had covid earlier except dad and got recovered quickly. I thought he would get better but it never happened. His body was aching so badly and I tried to convince him that I will give him a good massage with gloves and mask on but they did not listen. We had to admit him to ICU. My dad was a person with unbelievable mental confidence and strength. He has always told me "you can do anything, just believe in yourself". It was due to his self-confidence that he stayed 4 months in hospital, 2 months in ICU, and two on the ventilator.

One day I woke up to find my mother sobbing and I asked what happened. She said that they had ventilated him and that this is the last stage when the condition gets very dangerous. I was so scared at that moment that I took a vow not to eat anything till my father comes home safely, but my family convinced me. My father was in an unconscious state the entire time. He was on a ventilator for entire two months! My heart just aches to think about the pain he has gone through.

Some more days, some more weeks, his condition started to show some improvement until I called my uncle who was a doctor and asked about the condition of my father. He said that his potassium levels have increased a bit, I did not take much time to search it up-it said that it may cause a heart attack. I could feel my heart thumping… my mother asked what did google say but I did not say anything.

The next day I was playing hide and seek with my sister and saw my aunt’s son standing there. I asked about my aunt, he said that aunt told to not to go outside our room. I was very confused. The next moment I saw my aunt with tears in her eyes standing in front of me. I understood the meaning. my world just stopped. she embraced me tightly and said “dad is never going to come home” everything was numb. I didn't believe my ears. I remember my cousin giving me a bottle of water and me throwing it on the ground. I was never so angry before!!!

It was my worst nightmare. I even planned to commit suicide but once again thought about my mom and sis. and now I WILL MAKE MY DAD PROUD. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE… YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAD.

Mhairi

On October 21st 2020, i lost my Grandma to cancer.

This is my letter to her -

Hi,
I'm not sure what to write but you were fun. When we wanted extra pudding, you gave me and my sister relatively big pieces. You had a dog named Poppy who we now have and cherish. We do get very grumpy with her sometimes but she is a lot of fun. Mum misses you and we love you very much. I felt i could not go to your funeral as it would be too hard but i still went. I was not sure how to deal with it. We miss you and i hope you are happy where ever you are. (Poppy sends her love).

Lauren (13)

On July 26th 2021, my life changed forever , one morning I woke up and found my dad dead, me and my sister was panicking because we didn’t know what to do , so we had to get the ambulance people came out and sadly said unfortunately he passed away , since that day my life hadn’t been the same , I’m really not myself anymore , I struggle everyday . I really didn’t take the news very well , I locked myself away from everyone , I started crying myself to sleep and started to give up , I always think about how close me and my dad were , he really did make me the happiest, I don’t eat as much anymore . I always feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to because he was my best friend and he was the one I would go to for advice or to just to talk or to rant but now I have to do that by myself seen as though it seems like no one would listen . I can only hope you’re watching down on me . At times I’m sure you’re shaking your head , other times I’m sure your laughing at me and with me , I really hope I’m making you proud dad. they say the good die young , and there’s never been a statement that has hit closer to home than that one . You was a good one , and your gone . My heart will always be a missing piece , and that piece is you . I used to be your angel dad, but now your mine 👼🏻I love you dad<3 sleep tight x

Anna (20)

I still remember the day that I found out the first love of my life, Peyton, had passed away. April 2, 2021. It was a Saturday. I had just woken up, left my partner asleep in bed while I went to get started on the day. I brought my phone with me as I went to check the thermostat, and as I looked down at my bright screen, I saw the most horrifying text from a childhood friend: “—I am so sorry for the loss of Peyton and if you need anything please let me know.” It became a haze from there. I instantly went online to look up his name to look for any sign of what had happened, and as I stumbled across his obituary, I physically felt my heart break. I was in shock. It can’t be true, no. It’s not true. Still in shock. I go into the bedroom and scream my partner’s name. He shakes awake and just looks at me for any sign as to what is going on. All that I can mutter is that Peyton is dead. I say those three words and the tears begin to consume me. I make it to a chair and just sob. My partner, Ben, is trying to help, asking what he can do, but he can’t do anything.

My life is over. That is the only thought in my mind. My life has ended. Nothing is ever going to be okay again. The first love of my life, the person who made me feel so wanted and appreciated, one of the few people in the world who I would do anything for, is gone. He is gone and never coming back.

I call my mom next, she knew Peyton well, so she is in shock when I sob out the words once again. Peyton is dead. She can’t believe it. She tries to tell me it’s okay, that it’ll be okay, but nothing is okay. No one can fix this. He is gone and I am here. No one can change that. What do I do now? What can I do? Why am I still here? Why is he not?

After finishing the first rounds of denial and tears I find myself trying to get ready for the day, trying to push through, it’s what I do. I try to be strong and carry on, and it had just been Ben’s birthday, so we were going to a baseball game later that day. So, I get in the shower, trying to wash off the horror of what had just happened. And at first, I am okay. I wash myself and soak in the water, but as soon as I turn off the warm stream I begin to sob uncontrollably again. Why? Why is this happening? Why is this happening now? To me? This acts as an early prediction of what is to come, I am okay, then I’m not. I remember, and then I try to move on. I am a mess.

I struggle with his loss Every. Single. Day. Things will never be okay, and I know that now. But I also know that as much as I feel alone, I am not. I have people who are willing to listen, willing to admit that they don’t know what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, but are willing to say I’m sorry and I’m here. And for now, that’s enough. Clearly, the world is not as predictable as I might like it to be, but I am making some sort of peace with that because I have to. I’m sorry if you’re reading this because it means that you’ve experienced or are experiencing my pain, but it will be some sort of glued pieces together okay, one day.

Halina

The hardest thing about grief is that no one else gets your personal struggle. And the hardest thing about online friendships is that no one else gets how real they are.

My name is Halina, and Rosie is the only reason I’m still alive.

When we first met in September 2021, I was fourteen and she was eleven. She was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met, and I could tell that immediately. We met on a Harry Potter fan website when I was inducted into her “family” by another girl. As “sisters”, we became close friends. She could always tell something was off with me, and she was the reason I met one of my first loves (who happened to be her real life older brother). But then I was joking around about always wanting a twin and she told me, “Well, we can be twins!” And as simple as that, we were tied together.

I don’t even remember when we started calling ourselves best friends. We introduced ourselves to others on the website as twins, and we had nicknames for each other, too. On the website, she was Viola and I was Kiola, so we called the other ______ my iola: “forever, my iola.” or “forever, your iola.” That was how we’d sign notes or posts. As our friendship grew, I realized that, though I hadn’t believed in platonic soulmates before I met Rosie, I now did. She even stopped me from ending my life. She reminded me over and over that I was her gold. I planned to go visit her in London the minute I turned eighteen.

But then she took a screen break because of her mental health- and our see you laters turned into forever goodbyes. Oh, I wish I’d known. What more would I have said? It haunts everyone. But for me, waking up that peaceful Saturday morning a month later; April 3, and seeing a message from her sister telling me she was gone… I don’t think I’ve ever felt the pain that I felt that day. I’m not sure how I got through those first few days… but I know without a doubt that though all of the rest of our friend group moved on, and though I don’t think about her everyday, she will always be in my heart. You can’t just move on, but you can move forward. And as I reclaimed myself from the grief, I realized that every step I take, every breath I breathe, I can live for her, too. My life has double the purpose now. She never made it to her teens. She died at age twelve. But I, I can live it for her. All the life she won’t get to live, I’ll live for her, by living. And she’ll smile down on me from heaven. I know that.

So this is for you, Rosie. I’m still so amazed that I had the privilege of meeting you. It’s been six months now, and I know that where I am now would make you so proud. I love you, Gemmy.

Forever your iola, Halina.

Courtney

I have dealt with grief since 12 years old, it is a complex horrible emotion. Experiencing it has made me a stronger person, but there are days that it beats me. I hate being vulnerable, but being honest and open and sharing with others that losing someone and the pain that it causes is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced is liberating for me.

Dad died 12 years ago today, and then I was none the wiser to grief, I didn’t even fully understand what had happened until a few years later as I threw myself into school and every after school activity I could do. I think this was my body’s natural way of fight or flight.

I write stuff sometimes and cringe at the idea of sharing it, but grief isn’t spoken about enough in my life and I guess I just want to say to anyone reading this who has ever lost someone - I see you, and I know. It’s hard. I have spent a long time running from my grief and denying it. I was angry for a long time, and it felt impossible for me to explain my emotions. I put myself under a lot of pressure in my teens to just get over what I experienced, why couldn’t I just forget about it and remember it here and there.

So if you have lost someone, be patient with yourself. You don’t need to understand everything at once, take one day at a time and don’t mask your emotions, there is no shame in asking for help. And if you need support, reach out to your family, friends, myself, your GP or helplines such as Cruse or Mind.

I am no expert as I still am on a journey of loss, but I was always taught by dad to help those who need helped, and I know there are people out there who feel similar to me so if there is something I can do to help others, I know dad would be proud.

So, for you Dad. Love you and miss you always - 01.10.09

Courtney x

Jodie (24)

Covid-19… tore my world apart.

My lovely little mum was 48, worked at a care home and loved life so much, she had a loving partner Carole (55). My mum contracted Covid-19 at work and unfortunately passed the virus to Carole as they lived together. The day after Carole tested positive she died, at home waiting for an ambulance with my mum. This is when my life changed forever, I worked in a hospital so I couldn’t comfort my mum at this time as I was a key worker and she was Covid positive. This killed me, and I live to regret that decision every single day.. but I didn’t think I would never have the chance to hug her again. A couple of days following caroles death, my mum became seriously unwell with the virus and ended up in the ICU on oxygen therapy, I couldn’t go to visit her because of Covid I was helpless. Just 6 days after losing Carole, I got the phone call.. my mum was gone. I’d lost her too, I’d lost everything in less than a week. I haven’t been able to recover from this and it’s been 11 months. The dreaded 1st anniversary is coming and I’ve found myself struggling more than ever before. Living in this covid world means that every little thing is a trigger, I’m lost in grief and can’t find my way out.

Darbi

It hurts. It hurts physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The plan was in place. Once the family says goodbye, they will turn off the ventilator. It has been less than 12 hours that I entered room 214, the room my little brother would take his last breath.

We had just gone through 6 weeks of ups and downs with our parents. We had been prepared to walk this path with my dad many times over that journey. Yet, dad at age 74 is on a path of recovery, and my brother at age 38 is not. I don’t demand understanding from God because I trust there will be beauty in the end that only The Potter knows. But I am angry in my ignorance of what that end will be and why it had to be this way. I want to blame the hospital, the doctors, the nurses, the unvaccinated, politics, pharmaceutical companies, myself, and even my brother. I feel like I should have done more as his older sister to protect him. How did this happen, why didn’t I be more bossy? Why didn’t I drive him to get his vaccine? Why didn’t I …? The list is long. It is too late to change anything. Believing this is in God’s plan also means believing it couldn’t have changed the outcome. It’s both a comfort and a “hard pill to swallow.”

So here we are, in room 214. That alone was a gift. His room was a “COVID” room as were most on that floor. Allowing the family to suit up and hold his hand while it was still warm was a gift. The chance to say a farewell as best as one can do when he is sedated was a gift.

I am just one of his 5 older siblings, only 20 months his elder. I had a 30-minute drive to get there, allowing the tears to flow freely on the journey. My nephew arrived at the same time and had to be my voice as I found I was unable to let the front desk know the reason of my visit. By this point, his children, his mom, and all the other siblings had been in to see him already. I was one of the last few left to go in. My family was in the ICU waiting room where my grief met theirs. We hugged, we cried, we held hands. My husband arrived shortly after. We would be next to go in, exchanging with the two in there already. Outside the room you put on a gown, gloves, and mask. Only then will they allow you to enter.

His wife was already in there, in the room, clinging to his arm. She had been for several hours already. Words don’t do emotions justice, but I met her first with the fiercest hug that one hopes shares your love and sorrow. Then I turn to my baby brother. In these moments that follow, as I say my goodbye as a sister, I look across the bed at his wife and she is beautiful. She is glowing with love. She knows what the outcome will be soon, and her journey will be the hardest. I can see her strength, her bravery, her warrior. I am in awe. She is an absolute vision and I find peace and strength in her presence. She grants me the honor of capturing this moment with my camera. And then we cry together, and we laugh together, and we cry some more.

My husband gives up his spot for a couple more visitors. His wife and my family have granted me the honor of being by his side when they turn the ventilator off. The 4 oldest children return one last time to say goodbye. The youngest two are too little to be here. They don’t yet understand dad will not be coming home. We bring in grandma to wrap her strong arms around the oldest son to pull him away as he is crying for his dad to not leave him.
It is time now. He has fought his battle, he is tired, his body is done. We let the nurse know and we FaceTime others for one final moment to say farewell. In the background they are giving him medicine for the pain, and they are turning down the ventilator from 100% support to 0%. I hang up the phone. Per mom’s request, I give him a final hug and kiss. His wife and I try to be a comfort to each other and to him as we watch life leave his body. He takes his last few breaths on his own. It only took a few minutes before the nurse came in and with a nod confirms he is gone. His wife asks me, “how can I just leave him here? How do I just walk away?” All I had for her was my own hand to hold as she takes her first steps into the next unknown chapters of her life.

The sun is rising now on the first day with my little brother gone from this world. In comparison to his wife and kids, my walk is easy. I have my husband and my kids to go back to. But for her, this is the first day without her husband, the first day the kids will be without their father. We are not the first to take this journey, and sadly we won’t be the last. Nonetheless, it is painful and hard.

As I share with my own 8- and 10-year-old the events of the evening, I try to remind them being granted life every day is a gift. Life can be taken instantly or through many days, months, and even years of suffering. We don’t know what time we each have left. We do know there will be an end. So, live each day in honor of those we love, both living and past. Remember the best, forgive the worst, love and be kind to everyone. Allow memories to bring you joy and in return, spread that joy to others. Allow memories to remind you that there is pain because we had time with someone so wonderful. Our loss is a small byproduct of experiencing their existence. We hurt because we love.

It hurts. This hurt is a gift. It reminds me of how much my brother’s life meant to me. How wonderful the 38 years were that he was present with us. The hurt means this man brought love to a strong and beautiful woman as a husband. The hurt means this man become a father as he joyously welcomed six sweet babies into this world and has raised them in love. The hurt means this man was a friend we could count on for love and support. The hurt means he was a son, loved unconditionally. This hurts because he has been a wonderful gift.

I am reminded how blessed I am as I look around and see other gifts of love that surround my family now. Many of these blessings are in arms reach. I pray I can honor the gifts that remain, taking each day of life with gratitude for what I have, and what I have had; remembering to love others, and allowing others to love me in return. It hurts, but only because we love, and that is the greatest experience and gift I could ask for.

Angel

At age 9 years, i lost my dad to a brain embolism. At the time i didn't really understand what was happening, then a few years after his death i found it very difficult.

Here is a letter for my Dad -

Dad,
i think about you often. i think of how different things could be if you were here. All the laughs we could share, all the disagreements I’m sure we would have accumulated by now, The pain and grief never goes away completely. Moments, minutes, hours just spent thinking about you. Forever wishing you were here with me for this journey called life. I'll never have an answer as to why you had to be taken from me so soon. I'll never be able to hear your voice even if just as a memory. I can only hope you're watching down on me. At times i'm sure you're shaking your head, other times I'm sure your laughing at me and with me. I really hope I am making you proud dad.

They say the good die young, and there's never been a statement that has hit closer to home than that one. You was a good one, and you're gone. My heart will always be missing a piece, and that piece is you. You are my missing piece in whenever you now are and when i see you again, I'll be whole.

Caitlin (18)

It had been a normal friday, I had been dropped off at college by my dad and had my lessons like normal. It was week B at my college and that meant I had a lesson 6 opposed to a week A. I asked my dad to pick me up but there was no answer. When I had arrived home, I found him collapsed on the floor he was conscious but was all flustered and was vomiting. I had to call the ambulance and also try to keep calm and it was very distressing seeing my dad in a vulnerable state. When the paramedics arrived I was asked to leave and around that time my dad had a brain haemorrhage. He was blue lighted to the closest neurological hospital. For over 2 months he was having treatment but nothing appeared to be working as the damage from the bleed in his brain was far too much for his brain to repair itself. During this time it was my 17th Birthday, Christmas and my younger sisters 11th birthday. It was extremely hard and emotionally taxing when we visited him because as much as I knew this person we saw was my dad, it just didn’t look like him. He had been given a tracheotomy to help him breathe and he had part of his skull removed due to his brain surgery. I honestly would say he looked like a cyborg, as harsh as it sounds. They told us around a month before he passed that he wouldn’t make it, and as much as you think you’re prepared, you’re honestly not. I do sit there still thinking what if it had been the week before or after and I could have been home earlier as I wouldn’t have had a later lesson or what if it was so dark when I called the ambulance so he could have been airlifted to the hospital instead. These thoughts are natural and I welcome them as I know he’s now in a better place and not hurting. Nowadays the hard thing to accept is I’m not able to tell him to his face what I’ve done and achieved in the time he’s not been here. From becoming head girl of the academy I went to, passing my driving test first time or even getting into my first choice university.

I’ll be honest some days I barely think about him, whereas other days he consumes nearly every single one of my thoughts, sometimes I’ll get a bit tearful as it hurts to not see his smile or hear his laughter that would fill a room so easily. But I do have videos and pictures and memories that will last me a lifetime although our time together was shorter than we both had wished for. I’m grateful for my dad though as I am even more determined than before to do myself proud and achieving amazing things. I know people say he’s watching over me and I honestly hope he is and when I’m having those one of those days that are harder than the others I know he’s with me.

Patrick

For 20 years I've done what I can to keep Dad's memory alive. And after 20 years, what more can be said? And sometimes I wonder what the point is of carrying on doing so when the story can never change. Mainly, because there's much more to it than just keeping memories alive, especially now after such a long lapse of time.

Here's why -

Undoubtedly, 08.09.2001 was a living nightmare. It didn't feel real, it was like something that only happens to people on TV. And being so young, seeing the rest of the world carry on as normal was confusing, and the fact that few kids I knew could relate to it was isolating. Truly horrible times that still give me pause here and there, even 2 decades on.

But things have changed, because at one point I felt it was just me. In the time since that day, I have known many people who have had their own horrible experience of loss in different settings and under different circumstances. Most of us will unfortunately have to go through this at some point.

I feel there's a few things worth highlighting -

To anyone suffering the effects of a bereavement, I would never say 'I get you'. Personal experience or not, just knowing the details isn't enough. You really never do know what's going on with someone or how a loss will hit them and their family dynamic. Be there for each other of course but avoid assumptions.

I also would not say, 'get over it.' I don't think with the flick of of switch you can really get over the absence of someone who's part in your life was so crucial. There's no reason why you can't have a happy fulfilled life and still get sad. Why shouldn't you be able to? Don't ever let anyone trivialise you or your loved one's impact in that way.

And most of all, I would never say 'here is how you grieve'. There is no one way to do it, and no one has the exclusive rights on it. For this, I feel I got it right and wrong at times. A learning curve..so be it. But ultimately, it should be on your terms, not those of someone else no matter how well intentioned they are.

Basically, it's okay to talk about loss, it's okay to never really get over it, it's okay to keep loved one's memories alive, it's okay to reach out for help, it's okay to NOT reach out for help if you feel you don't need it and it's okay to do none of the above if none of it is helpful to you. Just whatever you do, do it for yourself and on your terms.

Admittedly, I did struggle a bit writing this one. But this is something that's important to me. So (no) apologies for that.

Leah (13)

I had only just turned 13 when my mam called me downstairs because she had something to tell us and she ended up saying my grandad had died. I didn’t end up taking the news very well because I ended up staying locked in my room and throwing things to try and get all the anger and hurt out but it didn’t work. The only thoughts that were going through my head that day were I hadn’t seen him in ages. I don’t even remember what he sounds like and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I ended up crying myself to sleep sometimes and now it happens most nights. I feel like now he is gone I have nothing else to do. I sit in my bedroom hoping that it is just some sick game and that he would come back but he doesn’t. Since he died, I haven’t exactly eaten much so I am extremely skinny, I still eat but my family try and make me eat more to put on a bit of weight but I really am trying. Since he’s been gone I’ve been trying to wait until I’m alone to cry and I would whisper to myself saying that it would be ok and to calm down so that nobody can hear me but it doesn’t always work. I feel like I have no one to talk to because he was my best friend and he was the one I would go to for advice or just to talk to someone or to have a rant but now I have to do that by myself seen as though it seems like no one would listen. I’m starting to get better and I’m learning to cope. I make sure that I am open with my feelings so that it is easier for people to help me and to be able to talk to me without getting confused on what to say. Slowly but surely I’m learning how to cope and soon I hope that i will be better.

Laura (19)

I was 16 when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. Everyone around me was saying she was going to be okay she's only 36. She died at 38. For me the grief started when the doctors told us she had two weeks to live. A lot of regret and anger in those two weeks. A year later now I am still very much grieving and I forever will be.

Tindra (15)

My personal story!

I lost my grandmother about 2-3 years ago, she died at the age 61 of Cancer.
Her name was Carina. She and I were really close, I will say that she was like a mom to me.
I grew up with her, she took care of me when I was born till I was two and a half years old.

I moved to another family after that. We always did a lot of fun things together. But when she told me
that she had Cancer i was shocked, sad and confused. I started to help her more than I ever did before.
I started to go to a Therapist that was talking to people who were close with someone that had or have cancer.
The time went on and one time I was at the dentist with my dad. He told me we were going to grandma.
I was happy because I love my grandma. When we arrived there my biological mother, my foster mother and my
grandma were there. i was a little confused and asked ''why is everyone here?'' My dad told me to take a seat.
So I did. Then my biological mother started to speak: '' we went to the doctor and-'' she didn't even get to finish when

my grandma started to cry, i started to cry because I had never seen her cry. my mom started again '' and he told us that the medicine
doesn't work and there is nothing they can do.'' I realised what she meant. I asked my mom if my grandma was gonna die. and the response broke me.
''we don't know.''

At that time I was raped at eleven. I didn't tell my parents until I was 14. I got diagnosed with PTSD and I started to get sleeping problems.

while i was getting diagnosed i got the question have you ever thought of hurting yourself i told her YES but that i never done it cuz i know that it will only hurt me more.

and when i saw her the last time i couldn't take it. She couldn't even drink, her skin and eyes were yellow. I cried so hard.

So what I want you to know is: there is help you can get so don't hurt yourself, don't give up. I know it hurts but it will be alright, and try to talk to someone you trust.
I am now 15 and working on my emotions and going to therapy. I have friends and family that help me with this.

Jemma (26)

Jemma Amos, a 26 year old writer, lost her dad when she was 16. She has written the poem ‘Unmade’. Jemma has found writing about her grief has always been her way of shining a light on it.

When she was younger she really struggled with her identity around grief and being honest with others about how she felt. She was very aware of how awkward people became and how quickly it could change the mood in a room, so instead she stayed quiet. She compartmentalised different versions of herself for different people and needless to say, living that way was not sustainable.

Brushing shoulders with such intense pain really impacted her teenage years and twenties. She struggled to relate to the trivial dramas in her friendships or with university applications, her only focus at the time was on surviving and trying to keep up.

She now understands that she was never really falling behind, she was rebuilding herself and carving out her own path. She was learning to love again, to be compassionate, to be grateful and to be happy again.

She has an interesting relationship with grief because however much she has written about it, she still can’t really make sense of it. It doesn’t play by the rules, that is a really important fact to remember when navigating through life. You can’t control when it hits, and you can’t control when it leaves. The only thing you can do is feel it when it’s there, because however much you try and shy away from it, it has a funny way of showing up again.

Jemma’s advice for young people going through grief is to talk about the person you’ve lost as much as you can, keep them alive through your words and memories. Grief isn’t constant, it comes in waves and it’s really important to remember that it will pass. Sure, another wave might come, but that too will pass. And whatever you’re feeling, that’s okay. But don’t hide it away.

Grief is painful, but it leaves behind something beautiful. Love

You can watch her spoken word, here.

David (26)

My name is David, I'm 26 years old. My dad died 13/06/2020 - a week before Father's Day - from a sudden heart attack. I found it really difficult to comprehend at the time, and found that writing down my thoughts and feeling really helped to give me perspective. Here is a poem I wrote about grief:

Grief

Sleekit, sneaky, snide and smooth It comes and goes, waves over you. One minute - fine, the next? In bits, Feel like you cannot control it.

You'll feel extremes, then you'll feel blank, Your mind - a swirling, deep shark tank, That thrashes violent, then sits calm. Thoughts piling up - a traffic jam.

It seems so endless, unrelenting, Nothing helps, but wait, there's one thing, Talk, laugh, cry, and talk some more, Just let it out, don't lock the door.

More than you'll think, people relate, So talk about them - tell your mates. Tell their stories - though it's tough, I promise, you can't talk enough.

Grief is hard and loss is pain. You will, no doubt, feel this again. Don't push emotions deep inside, Because you have nothing to hide.

Allow the time to really feel, Accept it, face the facts - it's real. And as you grow, and life goes on, They're always with you. Never gone.

Treasure the memories, good and bad, Be thankful for the time you had. If things get tough, then lift the phone, Because you're really not alone.

DF

Kayla

On 02/01/18 my granddad was admitted into hospital because he was really ill. it all started in September 2017, it all began with a cough and it got worse every month... the doctor told us that something was wrong with his liver and that it was really bad. so when we arrived at the hospital, I was supposed to go in with him and my grandmother (who I live with) but my mom said to stay in the car, so I did and my mom came back and said that it was best if I didn't go into the hospital. I was cool with it at the time. The next day (January 3rd) I went to the cinema with my stepdad's parents... 2 hours later I got home and my stepdad was home and my mom and grandmother wasn't, they were still at the hospital.

2 hours later my mom phoned my stepdad, he said that my granddad had passed away at 8:30pm. I was in floods of tears as I never got to say goodbye to him. when my mom came home she said that my granddad died of liver cancer, we never knew he had cancer..... it was such a hard time. we had no idea what to do, during the pain I was going through; I had flashbacks of all the bad things that happened to me in the past. few months ago.. September/ October I found a pack of cigarettes in my granddads car, when he said he had quit smoking, I told my mom about it and I'd gotten that feeling that something bad would've happened. I never wanted to jinx it and now I regret jinxing it. music and drawing have helped me go through the pain and struggles. I missed my granddad so much, I really did love him so much...

he always loved his gardening and down to the allotment to do his gardening... so I decided a few days ago to take over his allotment and the people there are so nice that they offered to help me when I need it. at least my granddad isn't in so much pain anymore and is up In heaven, watching down on us...

Max

Almost three years ago now my mum lost her brave fight against cancer, 26/9/16, the date i'll never forget, she was never the type to complain, my dad explained to me how bad it was, she was always screaming in pain, she had stomach cancer but didn't get diagnosed 1 week before she sadly passed, she was always getting discharged from the hospital and getting sent back home but every week she always went back in as her partner was really worried and wanted her to get treatment, the hospital wasted her time, she had multiple tests etc, but it was far too late when she was diagnosed, it was a really rough time for me and im still finding it hard now as i'm in disbelief, she was my world and i never got to say goodbye, she got moved to trinity hospice where they took great care of her, she didn't want me to see the state she was in, i couldn't recognise her until i got close, my eyes filled up with tears, i wish i done more to help her, i've started blaming myself for this, as my dad is now blaming me for his health issues, not a single day passes when i don't think about her....

Ali

My mum passed away just after my 14th birthday. This week I am approaching my 17th birthday and I am hopeful for the future. I used to dread birthdays, as it always reminded me of the one person who was not there to celebrate it with me. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mum. However, I am determined to succeed in my upcoming a-levels and become a Doctor like my mother. Whilst birthdays have always compounded my sense of loss, being hopeful has enabled me to enshrine a positive mental attitude that will see me through to the future. My advice to anyone facing the loss of a loved one is to train yourself to think positively. Celebrate their life and make sure you do them proud.

Rachel

When I was fourteen years old, my best friend Sophie committed suicide in 2016 - she was missing for about twelve hours before she was found hanging from a tree in the woods on the outskirts of our town by a man walking his dog, who then called the Police. She was 13 years old. I was at school when my friend Amy phoned me and told me to sit down - she then told me that Sophie had died, less than 45 minutes after she found out herself. The teachers at my school then pulled me out of my lesson and I was taken to a room with two Police officers, who told me themselves and sent me home. It was all over the newspapers, the television, and social media, and there was no escape from the fact that she had killed herself. The next week, I returned to school, and my teachers told me that I needed to catch up from where I had been away - all of my classmates stared at me and some even asked questions, especially about how she died or if I knew that she was going to kill herself. Some vile people poked fun about the fact that she had self harmed in the past and said that it was all an attention-seeking scam.

Since Sophie died, I have been up, and I have been down. 7 months after her death, when her inquest took place, my friends, her family and I were thrown into despair when The Daily Mail wrote about her - they exaggerated the fact that she was bisexual by making it the first word in their headline, and they said that it was the fault of her friends that she killed herself. They then pinned the blame on her mum, who died when she was three, and they also said that it was her girlfriend's fault that she went and killed herself. I don't think anybody should receive newspaper abuse - and we, as teenagers, shouldn't have had adults blame us for her death when we were still trying to get to grips with it all.

We had Sophie's one year memorial in the middle of June, and we all wrote letters - I consider myself incredibly lucky that I can say that I was not only her friend or classmate, but her best friend, and I am very privileged to have memories that I will cherish forever with a beautiful and kind friend I will forever hold within my heart. I hope that she's finally happy and that she isn't in pain anymore, and I desperately hope that she finds her mum.

Lauren

My dad was a house husband and raised myself and my brother whilst my mum worked. He was so reliable - if I needed him he would be there without question. We had the same sense of humour and strong moral outlook on life. Whilst I was away on holiday with my boyfriend 6 months ago my dad suffered a huge unexpected heart attack and there was nothing that paramedics could do to save him. My mum was by his side when it happened and she has taught me that you have just got to focus on all of the great things in your life and all you have to be thankful for. I had 22 years of unconditional love and friendship with my amazing, caring dad (and it doesn't just end now he's gone)- some people can't even say that. It is still raw and I don't think I have fully accepted that this has happened, but I can say that the initial few weeks and months after you lose someone do ease gently and you will be able to function again. Remember that you were lucky enough to know and love the person you have lost and they will always be with you.

Kye

In early 2016, at 70 years old my Grandfather passed away. My whole life was influenced by him, my music, food, hobbies, interests and even personality is due to him. He taught me to read, write, tell the time and more recently fix a car, drive a tractor, use a jackhammer and even how to shear sheep and milk cattle and many other things. He was the most significant member, and therefore the most significant death, in my whole entire life! He has another 3 grandchildren, but always said I was the favourite because I spent more time with him and was therefore more interested in his work and so on. He was diagnosed with bowel, liver and prostate cancer and each day for him (as he said himself) was a, "last grasp for life." He said that just simply knowing that one day his heart will stop worried him immensely, and that although he'd said all along that he will only live until 70, he never wanted to leave "his people." Everyone admired him, and when it all became too much for him he was sent to hospital where he spent I believe a month. I visited the day before he passed away, and although he had no energy to do anything else he said that he has saved just enough to hold my hand all the time throughout that day, which is what he did. he never once let go during my 5 hours spent with him. The day later, he committed suicide and although the hospital should have been keeping an eye on him, as he had attempted before, I understood that he had seen me and decided that was the last thing on earth he wanted to see before he passed, so that he could remember my smile. I imagine his corpse in the bed with a bag on its head, and it pains me so much to know that so many other people have to go through the same thing. Just know you're not alone.

Nicole

My mum died in August 2016. She suffered with breast cancer for about 1 and a half years. When I found out she had cancer I was really upset. I didn't know how I would cope. She had chemotherapy and an operation to remove the lump and she was told that the cancer had gone. She went back to the hospital a few months later after feeling another lump in her breast. She was told the cancer had come back and they couldn't save her. She died in hospital a few months later. When she died I was really upset and I had no idea how I would cope with it. I am now currently seeing a Cruse bereavement counsellor and it is really helping me cope better with the loss. At first I wouldn't talk to anyone and i was bottling things up and I feel much better now I am able to speak about how I feel.

Rebecca

13.05.15 the day heaven gained a piece of my heart 💔 My granddad was a true gentleman.. He was my best friend, just 13 days before he died he was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour and we were told there was nothing the doctors could do.. so we brought him home and made him comfortable. Me, my mum and my nana looked after him 24/7 for his last days.. which completely broke my heart in to a million pieces. I miss and love him each and every day. People say it gets easier.. It doesn't!! You just learn how to live with it. Fly high gromps xxx

Shannon

In March 2015, my brother got into a serious accident, involving him on a motorcycle and a woman in a car, who was carelessly driving. They had a collision and my brother suffered severe injuries, including damage to his liver from the handle bars of the motorcycle, broken ribs, fractured wrists, a broken arm and serious brain bleeds. He was rushed to hospital from the scene, where he went into surgery for his liver. When he came out of surgery he was put in a critical care unit for 2 days. He had loads of machines that kept him breathing, which doctors said would give him strength if he was still alive. They performed Brain Death Stem tests, which confirmed that he was no longer with us and was taken off the machines. The pain is still very raw, he was my best friend- the only person I have and would ever confide in. However, I know now, he is in a much better place. Everyone says the pain will fade, but it doesn't we just learn to cope with the pain in the best way possible. If anyone has ever lost their brother, I know we all deal with things differently but I know your pain, and one day we will be able to look back on our memories and smile instead of crying helplessly.

Angela

My grandpa was called Bob, he was a really lovely old man u would of liked to meet and see him right now. I just would love if he was with me, I just would love it so much if I could just see him. When I was a little girl I was his little girl while he was living and one Christmas I would always help him with unwrapping his gifts from the family and every time I look back I just remember him just sitting there and me just standing with him and his gift on his lap. I would do anything for him to be with me right now.

I am so sorry for the people who have lost loved ones in their family and I wish I was someone with magic powers so I could bring all of their loved ones back to life. I am just sitting here thinking about all of us and just thinking " I wish I could just see his or her face one more time".