Many things can coexist in our grief. Grief is not linear, it’s not black and white with a list of thoughts and feelings we must tick off along the way. This means that it’s ok to feel both ends of the spectrum when missing someone special. Examples of things that can coexist include, sadness and joy, hurt and love and lastly, grief and hope. This will be a 3-part blog, exploring the different thoughts and feelings that may seem like opposites, but in actual fact can peacefully coexist together in your grief.
First up this week is sadness and joy. We are allowed to feel deep sadness when someone we love has died. Sadness is one of the key emotions many people express that they feel in their grief. Sadness can be described as an emotional pain associated with, or characterised by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. Sadness can be seen in many shapes and forms in our grief. This can be a physical show of grief such as crying, it could be having sad thoughts or it could be behaving in a certain way due to sadness . However, sadness can coexist with joy. It’s sounds strange, you might be thinking, ‘how can I ever feel joy about the death of my loved one?’. The truth is, there is so much space for joy in your grief. It is said that joy can be described as great happiness or pleasure. You might feel joy that your loved one is no longer suffering. You might feel joy upon reflection of the bond you share with your loved one and having them as part of your life, even after death.
On the other hand, you might also be thinking, ‘how can I ever feel joy again?’. Many young people express feeling guilt when they feel happiness and joy in their grief. They begin to question how they could ever be happy again and in a sense can feel their happiness is an injustice to the person that has died. Many young people tend to feel that feeling joy again is disrespectful to their loved one, as if it takes away from the value of their grief. This is untrue and in actual fact, your loved one would want you to be happy again. You can feel happiness after loss but still continue to love and miss your special person at the same time. The main message from this is that these things can and do coexist, and that one side of the coin does not hold more value than the other. Sadness is just as important as joy in your grief and vice versa.
In hindsight of it all, it’s important to remember that it is YOUR grief and YOUR loved one. You decide how you grieve and what grief looks like to you. You decide what thoughts and feelings can coexist together. Never feel guilty or ashamed of those feelings. It’s guaranteed, what you are feeling, another bereaved young person has felt too. Be in charge of your own grief and remember and honour your loved one whatever way feels right for you.
Remember, Cruse Bereavement Support and Hope Again are here to support you when you need it most. You can call our free national helpline on: 0808 808 1677 or email us and a bereaved young person will reply: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk.
