Many young people email expressing that they aren’t the person they used to be before their loved one died. They mention that grief came crashing into their lives- even when the death was to be expected. That their grief gave them a whole new identity - and whilst they grieve the loss of their loved one.. they also grieve the loss of their past self.
Grief turns up uninvited, you gain a membership to a club you never wanted to be apart of.. not that anyone would - but you gain this membership long before many others do. Grief reveals parts of you which you never knew existed - it alters your whole being in more ways than one. You can no longer see the world through rose tinted glasses. In many ways, grief is deep and dark. It’s all the emotions you could ever think of rolled into one at any given time. It’s hard to navigate and even harder to push away. Before grief, many of us just lived life day to day- no problem ever seemed to last too long, their was always a solution. Then boom, death happens and it’s truly the first time you realise the permanency of a situation. I think that’s what changes us- the realisation of knowing things are changed forever. The grief that comes with the permanency of death leaves scars. Scars which can dramatically change us.
With that being said, a very famous grief quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist known for her contribution to understanding grief once said, ‘The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to’. The last 3 lines explain the idea of losing the old you amongst your grief. How true - you can be whole again but never the old you.. and why would you ever want to be the same?! You’ve been through a life shattering event- the death of such a special human-being. How could you ever truly go back to who you once were. Some may say that continuing on as the old you can take away from the magnitude of your loss. Whatever you believe, learning to accept that the old you is also gone comes with its own hurt - as the old you was the one who physically experienced the bond with your loved one. Although grief is painful and heart-breaking, it can change us into kinder, more empathetic and gentle individuals. We can now understand how important each day is and how essential it is to let those in our lives know how much they matter to us, because life is too short not too.
So, grieve the old you.. but accept and nourish the new you. You’ve been through things you didn’t think you’d experience for a very, very long time. Accepting the new you won’t make you love or miss you loved one any less- it will just make your grief journey that boy easier to travel through. Remember, you never have to navigate your grief journey alone, there is always someone ready to walk with you for however long you need the extra support.
If you’d like to speak to someone about how you are feeling, reach out to us via email anytime: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. You can also call the freephone Cruse helpline on: 0808 808 1677. If you’re over 18, you may also like to chat with a trained bereavement counsellor by using the CruseChat feature on the Cruse website. Their services are open Monday-Friday, 9am-9pm.
You matter, your grief matters and so does your loved ones memory.
