Many things can coexist in our grief. Grief is not linear, it’s not black and white with a list of thoughts and feelings we must tick off along the way. This means that it’s ok to feel both ends of the spectrum when missing someone special. Examples of things that can coexist include, sadness and joy which we’ve covered, hurt and love and lastly, grief and hope. This will be a 3-part blog, exploring the different thoughts and feelings that may seem like opposites, but in actual fact can peacefully coexist together in your grief.
Secondly, our next theme we are going to explore is hurt and love. We are allowed to feel deep hurt when someone we love has died. Hurt can be felt for an endless list of reasons. The hurt may be directed at them or the situations surrounding them and the circumstances around their death. We know that hurt can also link with feelings of anger, guilt and regret in grief to name a few. When you Google the definition of ‘hurt’, the key searches cover what it means to be physically hurt. But we know more often than not, in grief the hurt we experience is more emotional than physical. However, we do know that many young people express that they feel their grief in a physical sense too such as aches and pain in their body, stomach issues, sleep issues, memory problems, intense pain in their chest (like heartbreak) and anxiety with breathing issues to name a few. It’s important to understand that whichever way your grief manifests is normal for you. Although, we do understand that the fact of this sometimes doesn’t make grief easier to cope with at the time. Many young people may also experience hurt due to something called disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is grief which is described as not legitimate by society. For example, the loss may be seen as ‘insignificant’ to that person by others or not as worthy due to a complicated relationship before death. We disagree with this as we know that all losses and grief in any form is valid and matters just as much as the next person’s does.
In light of the above, we know that hurt can co-exist with love. You can feel hurt by the person who has died or by the grief you are experiencing and still feel deep love. I guess it can be the same for instance in living relationships - we all have had arguments with someone close to us. For example, a bad argument with a parent, friend, partner, sibling - these arguments can leave you feeling hurt but it doesn’t make the love you have for them disappear in that instant. Love is described as ‘an intense feeling of deep affection’. I guess many of us can still relate with this feeling even after our loved one is gone. I once read, ‘what is grief if not love persevering’ and it really stuck with me. Our grief is love in a new form, a multifaceted form with many sides and faces but still the love that we have and will always have for our loved one. The main message from this is that these things can and do coexist, and that one side of the coin does not hold more value than the other. Hurt is just as important as love in your grief and vice versa.
On reflection, it’s important to remember that it is YOUR grief and YOUR loved one. You decide how you grieve and what grief looks like to you. You decide what thoughts and feelings can coexist together. Never feel guilty or ashamed of those feelings. It’s guaranteed, what you are feeling, another bereaved young person has felt too. Be in charge of your own grief and remember and honour your loved one whatever way feels right for you.
Remember, Cruse Bereavement Support and Hope Again are here to support you when you need it most. You can call our free national helpline on: 0808 808 1677 or email us and a bereaved young person will reply: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk.
