Grief... what is it?

Losing someone we love can be one of the hardest things anyone will ever experience but it is something we all go through at one point in our lives. However when you’re young ,it can be even harder to understand all that is going on when feeling these losses.

In the simplest terms, grief means we experience the loss of someone we love, that they are no longer physically with us and in turn we feel so many different emotions that can be really hard to cope with. But, what does grief actually look like for young people?

Grief affects us all in many different ways. There is no one set process in which we all follow when we lose someone. For some people, grief means they will have a constant feeling of sadness almost like there is a black cloud hanging over their head which feels like it will never leave them. For others, it can be a mix of emotions. One day you wake up and you are able to be ok, you can feel happy in moments and try to continue with your day but those dark clouds can slowly start making their way back reminding you about what or who you no longer have. It could even be that you don’t know what you feel, losing someone can cause you to feel almost empty of emotions like the loss is so big there is simply no words to describe how you feel.

Grief can be really scary for anyone at any age but the important thing to remember is that it can get better. It is not something that will ever fully disappear. Sometimes, people are able to deal with their grief better through time, they process their feelings, learn to cope and try their best to move forward with their lives. For others, grief comes in waves, everyday and every year is different. You may feel the loss so strongly that the feelings last a long time or maybe you deal with it but in years to come or on special days you are reminded of that loss. All these feelings are normal. When we love someone so much learning to live without them can seem impossible but when we open up and talk to people about how we fee,l then we can slowly start to feel better.

Grief does not have to be something bad, it shows the love you will always hold for someone, as hard as it is, grief can resemble just how important that person was and still is to you. As the great Winnie the Pooh once said “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”.

Thank-you to Emer from Team Hope Again for your contribution to our blog with this piece. We are sure it will help many young people navigating their loss.

How to honour your special person on special days

Special days when people tend to come together can be a very upsetting and overwhelming time when missing someone special. This could include times of the year such as, Easter, Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Diwali, Eid, Hanukkah & Ramadan to name a few. However, there are ways in which you can remember them and honour their memory to make the day easier to cope with, check them out below:

• Light a candle or hold a candle ceremony in their memory

You may want to light a candle as a way to pay tribute to your loved one, especially at an occasion they would have previously been present at. Or, you could hold a candle ceremony for your loved one. This can be held with family or friends and every time a person from the group shares a memory or tribute to your loved one, they light a candle. It’s a lovely way to include your loved one in your special occasions.

• Practice old traditions in their memory

Special times of year can bring about traditions which people take part in together. These could be putting up the Christmas decorations, baking, exchanging gifts, watching a movie- maybe these are things you did with your loved one who has died. Whatever it may be, if you find comfort in continuing these traditions in their memory, then do just that.

• Save a seat for them

Save a seat for your loved one around the table, on the sofa - wherever you spend time on those special days. This can help to make it feel like your loved one is still part of those special days.

• Create new traditions

Maybe you don’t want to practice the old traditions without your loved one, and that is ok. Instead, you could make new ones in their memory.

• Write a letter to them

Write or type a letter to your loved one. You can put down anything you wish you could say to them or tell them about. This can act as an outlet for your grief.

• Buy them a gift

This may not be for everyone, but buying a gift or writing a card to your loved one may bring you comfort when missing them most.

• Do something they enjoyed

Do something they enjoyed as an act of remembrance. This could be eating their favourite food, watching their favourite movie or visiting somewhere which was special to them.

• Create an online tribute for them

Cruse Bereavement Support have created a ‘Sea of Yellow Hearts’ as a way to invite individuals to remember their special loved one by sharing a photo and message online.

Although you loved one cannot be with you how you hoped or imagined, we hope that you can find some comfort and peace over the Easter period and beyond.

Remember, you matter, your grief matters and so does your loved one’s memory.

You've got to feel it to heal it.

I read this quote a couple of weeks ago when mindlessly scrolling through social media. One of the grief accounts that I follow on Instagram shared it and it’s stuck with me ever since.

As a grieving young person, in the early days.. we have no choice but to feel what we are going through. Grief becomes stitched into every fibre of our being, it’s right in our face at every twist and turn. But the real question is, are we really letting ourselves feel it- or just going through the motions? That being said doesn’t dismiss the reality and depth of those deep and raw emotions in the beginning of your grief journey and even so weeks, months or years down the line.

I lean into grief now, rather than lean away. I understand my grief better.. well, as much as I can. Grief can be unpredictable and uncomfortable. It can arrive without warning and by arrive I mean when it rears it’s ugly head making it a ‘griefy’ day. To me, it’s never just arrived out of the blue, the intensity of it has just been heightened each time. My grief has never really left me. Even on days when it hurts the most, I don’t want it to ever leave. They say that grief is our last act of love and I have found comfort in that fact as the years have passed. I would only trade in my grief if I could have my special person back. By knowing that that can never happen, I choose to nurture my grief. To give it space on the days when it needs it most. To share it with others or to hide it away. To nurture it in whatever way is best for me and my grief on that particular day. Grief is ever changing - I guess just how we are and just how are relationships with our loved ones can change.. in this life or the next.

In the early days of my grief journey, if someone told me I needed to ‘feel it, to heal it’… I’d have been unimpressed and probably would have never approached them with my grief. It’s only now as I’ve traveled this journey that I can understand and give time to this phrase. That isn’t to say that feeling your grief will heal it, it can’t ever be healed and will be something you and I will carry forever. It’s just that feeling it, can make the load feel less heavy to carry.

Feeling your grief can take shape in many forms. This may be writing letters to your loved one, journaling, listening to music, going for a walk, having a good cry or reminiscing about times shared with your special person. It’s important to find what works best for you and honouring that. Grieving is hard, really, really hard and there is no rule book to get you through it. Just know that what you are feeling is valid and that you don’t have to go through those feelings alone.

If you think that talking about your loved one and the grief you now hold could help, be sure to reach out to those closest to you for support. You can also find support from us at Hope Again or through your local Cruse office, the helpline or the CruseChat service here in the UK. You can reach out for support via-
📞Free helpline: 0808 808 1677
💻Our email: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk
💬 CruseChat (if over 18), to speak with a trained grief counsellor online: https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/crusechat/.

We've been added to the 'Top 45 Grief Blogs and Websites' list and we're excited about it!!

Yes, you read that right - we’ve been added to the list of ‘Top 45 Grief Blogs and Websites’ by FeedSpot which has been web ranked by traffic, social media followers, domain authority & freshness.

We are really excited about this and feel honoured to be added to this prestigious list among so many inspirational individuals in the grief community worldwide.

Our message and blog posts which we create and share have always been formulated by bereaved young people. Our Hope Again children and young people are those who truly understand what it looks and feels like to lose someone special. After all, they are the experts by experience and their voice matters most. We are so glad that our work has been recognised and our hope is that our blog posts and website can reach more bereaved children, young people, their families and the professionals working alongside them on their grief journey.

Big shout-out to FeedSpot for the mention, you can check out the list here: https://blog.feedspot.com/grief_blogs/.

Coexistence in our grief - Part Two: Hurt and Love

Many things can coexist in our grief. Grief is not linear, it’s not black and white with a list of thoughts and feelings we must tick off along the way. This means that it’s ok to feel both ends of the spectrum when missing someone special. Examples of things that can coexist include, sadness and joy which we’ve covered, hurt and love and lastly, grief and hope. This will be a 3-part blog, exploring the different thoughts and feelings that may seem like opposites, but in actual fact can peacefully coexist together in your grief.

Secondly, our next theme we are going to explore is hurt and love. We are allowed to feel deep hurt when someone we love has died. Hurt can be felt for an endless list of reasons. The hurt may be directed at them or the situations surrounding them and the circumstances around their death. We know that hurt can also link with feelings of anger, guilt and regret in grief to name a few. When you Google the definition of ‘hurt’, the key searches cover what it means to be physically hurt. But we know more often than not, in grief the hurt we experience is more emotional than physical. However, we do know that many young people express that they feel their grief in a physical sense too such as aches and pain in their body, stomach issues, sleep issues, memory problems, intense pain in their chest (like heartbreak) and anxiety with breathing issues to name a few. It’s important to understand that whichever way your grief manifests is normal for you. Although, we do understand that the fact of this sometimes doesn’t make grief easier to cope with at the time. Many young people may also experience hurt due to something called disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is grief which is described as not legitimate by society. For example, the loss may be seen as ‘insignificant’ to that person by others or not as worthy due to a complicated relationship before death. We disagree with this as we know that all losses and grief in any form is valid and matters just as much as the next person’s does.

In light of the above, we know that hurt can co-exist with love. You can feel hurt by the person who has died or by the grief you are experiencing and still feel deep love. I guess it can be the same for instance in living relationships - we all have had arguments with someone close to us. For example, a bad argument with a parent, friend, partner, sibling - these arguments can leave you feeling hurt but it doesn’t make the love you have for them disappear in that instant. Love is described as ‘an intense feeling of deep affection’. I guess many of us can still relate with this feeling even after our loved one is gone. I once read, ‘what is grief if not love persevering’ and it really stuck with me. Our grief is love in a new form, a multifaceted form with many sides and faces but still the love that we have and will always have for our loved one. The main message from this is that these things can and do coexist, and that one side of the coin does not hold more value than the other. Hurt is just as important as love in your grief and vice versa. 

On reflection, it’s important to remember that it is YOUR grief and YOUR loved one. You decide how you grieve and what grief looks like to you. You decide what thoughts and feelings can coexist together. Never feel guilty or ashamed of those feelings. It’s guaranteed, what you are feeling, another bereaved young person has felt too. Be in charge of your own grief and remember and honour your loved one whatever way feels right for you. 

Remember, Cruse Bereavement Support and Hope Again are here to support you when you need it most. You can call our free national helpline on: 0808 808 1677 or email us and a bereaved young person will reply: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk.